Quickstart

new beginnings

2007-07-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

New times call for new places to write, don't you think?

Soooo y'all can read my new blog HERE

surprise

2007-06-14T13:08:00.001-05:00

I'm working on a new "website" (blog) on another server (which means you'll no longer have to go to maryvw.blogspot.com to read my stuff... it'll be another site) that's much prettier than this one and that has, visually and everything-else-wise, a lot more to offer than blogger.

I'm setting it up so that everything that's in this blog is going to be there to, so it will be a smooth transition for all of us.

But to get it all set EXACTLY how I want it, it might take a while... most likely it'll be up sometime this weekend.

I'm so excited, heh. This other site is pretty awesome.

Dinner at 6... are you kidding me?

2007-06-14T12:21:00.002-05:00

My world and my reality have come crashing down right in front of me these past 24 days. I have not written, not because I don't like you, but because it's still not time to branch out.

By no means is whatever I am living here a secret. I am not really doing any exciting touristy stuff. I spent most of my time in my room playing my guitar and my newly acquired bongos -- Yes, I bought bongos. They are the best thing ever.

My room is a mess (don't tell my mom). I haven't made my bed in like a week and a half, but really, why would I? I spent most of my time actually sitting in my bed, it's much more comfortable to have it unmade.

There's shoes everywhere, despite the fact that whenever I see my black converse, blue-checkered vans and slippers on the floor I could swear I though I put them away. The desk... well, ever since I moved my laptop to my chair and set it beside my bed, let's just say that you can't really put anything on top of the desk. Except for space change and my (literally) hundred bottles of water/gatorade/juice... well, maybe not hundreds, but right now there's three of them plus a cup and a dish... over the weekend I drank five propells (gatorade) and those were there too.

I watch movies too... but I think I might stop that, since last night I watched two.

"The Boys", as people actually living in the apartment affectionatley call the guys coming over tonight, are coming over. The Boys is made up of John (Zoe's boyfriend), Peter (Erin's significant other) and Eric and Ben(?)... I might have made up the last names. We are all going to have a pretty dinner and eat in a four person table. Because we are cool like that.

Last night I went to a "community group" from the church I went to on Saturday. It was interesting. Very different from what I'm used to. The food, on the other side, was unbelievable. The ride home on the subway was beautiful. I've never been to that part of town before. I might do it again, when there's light out.

I don't miss people, really. I feel like that one movie I saw once where they traveled to space and because of the speed they were traveling at, they could travel for hundreds of years and still not age a day. I feel like I just got here yesterday. Everything else is in pause back home (which I know it's not)

Things are so offbeat here. There's no responsibilities, like back home. There's no church fifty five hours a week at the same time every week. There's no driving, no meals at 2:30 p.m. There's no mom to tell me to pick up my room (I particularly don't miss that. Although I love my mom dearly and I know I really should pick it up. Still) There's no cleaning for me, so this weekend I'm actually vacuuming the apartment. There's no friends to call or see or ignore. There's no brother playing his music at a hundred million decibels louder than he should be, thus not letting me THINK when I'm trying to be quiet in my room. There's no dressing up for Sundays. There's no hour of studying my instrument daily (although i think I might be playing a lot more in my spare time than I did back home). There's no familiar scents and there's no comfortable towel, since the one I bought on the day I got here is kind of not comfortable.

The one thing I do miss, terribly, is belting out singing at the top of my lungs. Monday rehearsal and Tuesday/Friday intercession/worship is what I long for the most. I can sing here, just not as loudly as I would like to. You see, there's other people living in the apartment that don't necessarily want to hear me sing. They get to hear me play my guitar all day so I give them the benefit of singing not-so-loudly. But Sunday in church I sang at the top of my lungs (enough so I could still be in tune) and it was heart-breaking. Oh, how I long to stand before my God and sing out loud from my heart to His.

Boston is not as dry as I thought it would be. My Father has been speaking to my heart loudly and clearly, despite myself. But it's not time to share right now. It's time to stride into His secret and find myself in Him.

or not, you know.

2007-06-14T12:21:00.001-05:00

whatever

Update

2007-06-13T10:41:00.001-05:00

Tonight

I need to go to the bathroom.

2007-06-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

Dinner no.8... breakfast for dinner

our other roommate

erin, being exited about the weekend

zoe, studying chem

and this here... that's me. just after I woke up.

so, how was the concert last night?

complete response to comments

2007-05-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

Respuesta a los comments...

el edificio es en efecto parte del MIT, aunque el MIT no es asi como te imaginas el IEST o el TEC que son dos que tres edificillos... son una CIUDAD bestialmente enorme llena de edificios y de lugares asi.

La señora... wow... la historia de la señora la guardo para después porque ya me voy a dormir y si empiezo, nunca voy a terminar.

no tomo tantas fotos porque no he hecho tantas cosas.

nunca vas a estar lista mentalmente para tu partida. ja!

también les mando un millon de te quieros... pero que asco un cacahuate tostado

ya puse una foto nueva de mi roomie. La que se ve es zoe.

no estoy muy sgura que significa O.Y.E... vane, si quieres aclararnoslo a todos

Frank Gehry en realidad es bastante famoso.

la pagina de las fotos la voy a hacer si veo que tomo más fotos. ahorita he estado subiendo las más relevantes.

vayamos juntas a europa? de donde salio eso? jajaja

Boston huele a jabon para lavar trastes orgánico... porque con ese jabón lavo trastes. porque mis roomies son súper ecológicas... y como casi siempre yo lavo los trastes, a eso huelen mis manos y por ende siento que a eso huele todo. las otras veces Boston huele a arboles y a hojas, y es lo más delicioso que hay.

si no viste le final de Stranger than fiction entonces no viste la pelicula! tienes que ver el final! el final es el chiste de la pelicula.

cuando empezaste a aprender italiano? jajajaja...

Los amo! a los que dejaron comments y a los que no!

tonight's doings

2007-05-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

dinner #6... pasta and broccoli

And then I "went" to the prayer meeting...

how cool is this?

i know!

y'all shureeee seng iindd dawnce real purrrrty

response

2007-05-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

hahahaha... the comments are precious! I'll be sure to answer them in my next entry tonight. Right now, I'm off to get something to eat because I'm starving.

all my love!

I set off the fire alarm while trying to toast a bagel in the stove.

2007-05-28T22:18:00.000-05:00

Updates!

These here are just pictures and recounts of what I did, I'm writing something more profound and interesting tomorrow, so be expectant.

First off... Friday we went to the park. Exhibit no.1 is roommate no.1 (erin) on the left side, covering visual contact of roommate no.2 (zoe) and roommate no.2's friend Nancy on the right. (by the way, roommates are awesome)

This next picture is for my mom, because she likes flowers!

Then, Saturday...

Saturday was my "explore" day. I took the T (the transportation thingy here, which is actually just the metro) to Chinatown, because I wanted to go see Chinatown (wouldn't that make sense?) and walked around for a bit. After walking there for about an hour I got creeped out and ran for the hills, quite literally almost, because I found myself walking through Boston Common, which is a huge park-like gargen. Throughout the whole time, I'm walking with my iPod and suddenly I hear this gong-esque sound. So I lower my iPod's volume and keep walking into a crowd when i realize it's some sort of Buddhist rite of some sort. I spot a few monks, dressed in their orange gowns, bald and most of them wearing glasses, walk in pairs. There's a long line of mostly Asian people and right then I spot it: a sign. It said something about Buddha's 27th birthday and prayer for peace. I hurried by and then found myself walking through narrow streets filled with antique shops and quaint restaurants...

I walked some more and stopped at a Starbucks for a nice, fresh iced mocha... read for about half an hour and decided to cross the bridge towards MIT...

That's me. Crossing. The bridge.

Then, for my dear architect friends and family, here's a building designed by F. Gehry, which gets even more beautiful as you get closer...

and closer...

aaaaand closer...

and then I was hungry and crossed the other bridge back...

So I'd been walking straight for like 3 hours (minus the half hour at Starbucks) and was tired, so I found a nice bench in the shade to read.

But then this lady started up a conversation with me that lasted six hours... from 5:30 until about 12 pm. Yes. It was intense. And yes, I am weird like that.

I'll tell you all about her later though.

Hope you like these pictures, be sure to leave mushy-love-filled comments!

requests

2007-05-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

- pictures of just about anyone and anything you'd think I like (so I can stick them in my walls) --- especially if it's a picture of you!

- my gray vans with the pink pain stains in them... I completely forgot to bring them and have nothing to wear with my "non-matching" outfits

- hugs-in-a-jar or something like that, because the lack of physical contact with ANYONE other than an occasional handshake is unsettling

- just general and random stuff to put in my walls

- love!!

heh. so today is my first day of "vacations" because I don't have class until Tuesday, so expect to hear all about it later on tonight

ohhh... and a hair brush because every time I go to the store I forget to buy it, so I've just totally done my hair with my fingers... yeah.

the chronicles of boston - day 3: Harvard is really, really pretty

2007-05-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Today's class was awesome, to say the least. I mean, we didn't do too much, other than throw around some thoughts about communication and theories, but I liked it.

My classes seem to be everything - and more - than what I'd expected them to be. They're actually small groups. My 201 class (intro to comm writing) is about 12 persons and my 380 class (theories and processes of comm...which apparently is a class that graduate students take) is only 8.

When I got to my 380 class I freaked out a little because although the girls already in class didn't look that old, they were in fact seniors... and I'm almost a sophomore (para los que no sepan, senior es de ultimo año y sophomore es de segundo año) so I though that maybe the class was going to be too difficult for me to get a grasp of.... Buuut no. Class started off very interesting and I was actually able to participate with smart answers.

We got out of class early and I went and bought my books (which are unbelievably interesting by the way) and then walked for like the next 45 minutes to go see where I had to pay something that I ended up not paying... that was nice.

After that I got home and we were supposedly going to go to Harvard and get something to eat with a friend of Zoe, so we got on the T (the train, called the T, as you can see... which is really the metro) and went off to Cambridge (the city where Harvard is).

Oh. My. God. Harvard is gorgeous. We ate at this amazing burger joint and then Zoe's friend, Nick, gave us the most interesting tour I've ever been to... probably because of the fact that I could just interrupt and ask questions all the time.

The thing is, Nick is a total Harvard student. Which is amazing in the sense that Harvard students really are like students students... he knew so much about practically everything and was all articulate and stuff, but he was amusing and sweet in a "best-guy-friend" sort of way. He works at the Crimson, which is the school's newspaper, and he even gave us a tour of the building and we saw the press room and all of it... and I was swept away by the professional feeling of it all, even though it is completely , yes, let me say that again: completely by students... (theres like a board of advisers, but whatever)

So Harvard was awesome... I'm gonna go back there and see a little more of Cambridge and its surroundings... (and buy Harvard t-shirts. heh)

Got home, did my reading for tomorrow... loved every bit of it... (it's amazing when you actually are drawn by your subject of study, rather than just taking lame math courses you don't give a ping pong ball about)

I'm gonna go to bed now, because walking for hours is very tiring.... I mean literally, I think I've been walking (non-stop) for like a total of 2 hours every day. As opposed to the 15 minutes a day I walked in Tampico.

This place is just different.

I still don't feel that adapted but I figure I'm getting there. It's easier to hang with the roomies every day and well I've just had one class of both my subjects, I guess next week things will have settled down.

Till the next time y'all!

My beautiful apartment

2007-05-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

So here's us the morning I left

And this is my awesome desk (and by no means am I being sarcastic. I really do like my desk.) and my closet NOT with my coat, which I should have brought. But whatever now.

here's the other half of my room... which is a work in progress because I most definitively am going to get something to put on the walls. So if you guys want to send me something cool to put in my wall, I'd love it.

this is my bathroom... that thing in the sink is a "towel" a friend gave me. It's this small minnie mouse paper-y toy that's like the size of half an iPod and you just throw it in water and it grows into a towel. Which now I'm going to use as a hand towel... I know it looks weird, but it's not, it's actually pretty cool... I'm gonna go dry it now so I can use it later

this here is my kitchen. We made dinner tonight, my roommates and me... Oh, my roommates are Zoe and Erin and they're both really cool. Erin's a vegetarian. I don't know many vegetarians back home so we're gonna eat tofu sometime soon, I guess that should be interesting. I'm home alone right now because they went to a party somewhere and I went to buy a blanket because last night I almost died because of the cold (no, not really... but it was cold though)

and this here is our "living room"... which is not that livable, but it has bright and useful lighting during the day.

and the last picture here is of me, adapting and enjoying, learning and growing.

So tomorrow I'll probably upload some pictures of the city and write something substantial. I'm having a great time, but it's all so surreal and I feel completely disconnected to the world. Boston is going to be an amazing desert though, the city is beautiful, right out of a movie.

life is good

2007-05-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

Mariana :

leaves for pretty pretty boston in two weeks.

finds out her living arrangements in one.

is going to Encuentro 2007 and the Hillsong United concert in august.

has to study for her exams.

has a paper due tomorrow.

wants to see spiderman 3.

loves you... most of you... those she knows, at least.

Same thing

2007-05-02T16:08:00.000-05:00

M: I was just talking on the phone with my father...
Anonymous: does he still read those magazines he used to read?
M: Yeah...
Anonymous: which one was it? Times New Magazine?
M: Time magazine?
Anonymous: Yeah, Times New Magazine...

by this point I'm laughin histerically because I already know what he means by "Times New Magazine"

Me: Say it again. Say it again. Which magazine?
Anonymous: Times New Magazine... no?
Me: Which one?
Anonymous: Times New Magazine.
Me: You mean New York Times?
Anonymous: oooohh.... yeah... that one.

For anonymity purposes I can't say who said this.

Mixing Consoles and Appendixes

2007-05-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

V suddenly got sick yesterday and by days end she was being opened up and her appendix was being taken out.

I've never had an operation before. I'm not asking for one, but I have a very curious nature... being operated would be something interesting to experience. (except if it were something for like a broken hand or something. I could pass out just by thinking about breaking something and hearing the crack and seeing the muscle and blood all out and oh god no...) but if it were something inside I'd probably be interrogating the doctor dude as to what he's doing at every second I'm awake and able.

Last night I didn't play with the worship team for the prayer meeting. Because V was getting an operation I was asked to help out with the sound crew. Boy did I have fun.

If there's one thing I love almost as much as I love playing with a group is listening to music. And making that music sound "pretty" is even better. I love figuring out a way to put glory in His worship. Standing behind the mixing console... lower meds for the main voice, turn up gain on the internal mic, the guitar is too high, lower it a bit. the prayer's voice is too low... and the music starts to flow and God's grace over us in the sound crew can be felt by the way people that never noticed before, tonight notice that "the electric guitar sounded tonight, didn't it? I mean, like more than other times"... and it's amazing. And when you're up there moving this and that and checking to see if the singers can actually hear their voices or if the drummer can hear the prayer in his monitor it's like you're dancing. With your fingers. And before you notice it your head is not just bobbing with the beat, your whole body is feeling it. The music, but mostly, the Almighty's presence filling the room. And as you pray in tounges figuring out a way to make the other singer's voice sound good when she changes her mic, you can't help but smile when you feel and see that by His grace and mercy, tonight, the sound crew has put glory in His worship. We wrapped up the present and layed it at His feet.

Royal Conlcusions

2007-05-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

I saw The Queen today (the movie, not an actual queen) and it was a very interesting story, to say the least. When we got out of the theater, there were mixed feelings from the three of us that went. I loved the movie. S thought it was kind of monotone and I thought... I'm not sure what she thought about the movie, but she agreed with the queen's reaction to all of what happened.

I'm not really sure our determination on the movie come from the same perspective. Yes, the movie was monotone in the sense that it carried on with one same thing over and over and over again... for those of you who haven't seen it (this won't be a spoiler, though) it's all about how the queen, and the "establishment" (as they call the British Monarchy), deal with princess Diana's death.

First of all, I don't know THAT much about princess Diana. I remember a long time ago reading a lot a about her, randomly knowing she suffered from bulimia, was cheated by her royal husband and pretty much had a nasty life all around. depression included... However, she seemed to have truly made an impact on people.

If we all go deeper into this social impact that she had, one might say that she's the triumphant underdog. What do I mean by this? Well, she was cast aside from the royal establishment basically because she was the first one, inside the royal family, to get a divorce. (even though apparently EVERYONE knew that prince Charles was having an affair... aaand now that I read up on my princess Diana, apparently so was she) but non the less, she managed to show the world that she cared. She was one of the first public figures to publicly touch an AIDS infected person... she did lots of humanitarian stuff. But I wonder where, all through that path, did she find herself alongside people such as Mother Teresa and Ghandi.

It's all very interesting, and as an avid wikipedite (word I'm almost sure doesn't exist. at least not in english... i googled it) I'm going to see what else I can learn from all this.. But going back to the movie...

When the queen had to decide to go against all that she had already decided, even hundreds of years of protocol... (if protocol had been followed, princess Diana, because of her extramarital affairs, should have been hung to death... literally). Wow... that is humility at it's greatest.

She retracted her actions before the whole world to show sympathy. compassion. just to give others a break... and did nothing illegal by doing so.

It's hard for me to see the impact Diana had on society. Probably because I don't belong to that particular society... I mean, I wouldn't be that bothered if the president died (I'm sorry if that sounded horrible. But it's for the sake of making an honest point). Fine... the president here has not (yet) caused as much revolt and social impact as princess Diana, but still, I wouldn't be moved to tears... and given my prone-to-selfishness nature (which I'm trying to get rid of, thank you very much) would most likely not give his death a second though... But people are entitled to be overwhelmed by their choice of emotions and thoughts.

Ok I guess this is enough on the queen and all this. I'm not even sure I made a point... It was all interesting to marinate in.

Too hot

2007-04-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

We were eating lunch at my house the other day, my mom was talking about global warming and how the earth is supposed to "end" in like the year 2100... unlike what they thought 20 years ago when they thought It'd be in like the year 3000...

"I'm gonna be dead by that time, but imagine Raulito (my 3 year old nephew), he's going to be alive"

then my brother chipped in by saying he'd be dead too by that time. To what I smartly replied

"Well, technically you can still be alive by that time... you'd be like 90"

he made a weird face and then just said

"Ugh no... I couldn't stand it... I'd be too hot"

2007-04-27T17:09:00.000-05:00

I leave for boston in about 23 days

Soft Spoken Melodies... wait can you actually speak melodies?

2007-04-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I've been trying to write something for the past days and nope, nothing.

I started a couple entries before deciding I wasn't going to write anything, I'll just look up something and post it and let y'all meditate on that... because otherwise I'd be just saying vain and unimportant things.

So, here goes something:

I want to stand in Your counsel to sit at Your table
And speak to You face to face as a friend
I want to stand in Your fire wherever Your eyes fall
May You find me faithful to Your heart
Let me be found...
With a heart after You
May Your eyes find this heart loyal to You
May You xbe all that's on my mind all of the time
Let my heart be torn in two until your will is mine
Dearly Beloved of my soul

this is actually the lyrics to the song "Heart after You" by either Luke Wood or Justing Rizzo. (I just got new cds and books from kansas from my mom. There's nothing like getting books and cds.... wait, there is, but books and cds always make my day beautiful)

How bout we take it one day at a time?

2007-04-10T17:56:00.000-05:00

Finding time to do what I'm supposed to be doing gets harder every day. But I'm getting the hang of it... kinda.

Right now, I should be taking a shower, but I'm sitting and writing instead. A while ago I was supposed to be studying, but I saw a movie insted. In the morning I was supposed to go to school, but my stomach hurt pretty bad and I decided to stay home instead. I am going to study, just later. I am going to shower, just later. I will go to school, just tomorrow... oh wait, not tomorrow because on wednesdays I have no school. But I have to study, because the tests I have this week are pretty intense. I found out yesterday while I was studying for one of them that I actually like the subject. If only I had payed attention before I would have found the process of going throught that class a lot more... interesting? I guess.

But really, I figure I just have to take the time to soak in the good side of everything. Although I have a hard time doing that for math. But my mom wisely said that whatever I do there will always be something I don't like about it... so I figure I have to pay more attention to the parts that I do enjoy and that ought to make it all better.

The problem is, I think, that I over think everything too much. I spent so much time thinking about things that I miss out on them when they're actually happening. So I'm trying to give my brain a break, let it rest, just do what I'm doing.

I have to be hard on myself and tell me every morning "one day at a time", otherwise I'll be driving to school and I'll be thinking of whatever I'll be doing in like 3 years. I'm a strange type of overachiever... I'm the type of overachiever that because I'm figuring out a way to overachieve I might collapse while actually doing what I'm trying to achieve and the best possible outcome (which I know I can reach) is messed up.

So I'm slowing down now. My goal today is to get through this day having enjoyed it, having done the best I could and knowing that He's in charge of me.

The interesting part of all this slowing down bit is that slowing down does not mean not doing anything. It means exactly the opposite. It means just do what you know that you have to do right now. Then you'll worry about doing what you have to do tomorrow. Baby steps... It's all about knowing how to baby step.

Teaser Trailer

2007-04-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sooo excited!

Good things are starting to happen! Just this moment, while writing down that I was excited I remembered how God told me that this year I would see the beginning of what I am going to become and that I am going to touch and perceive what is coming for my life... and all of this and what is coming will be for the glory of my God.

I'm not really gonna go into all that too much, I just wanted to say that things are starting to clear up in many ways. I have six weeks until I leave and then I leave for six weeks. I'm going to be gone for 40 days. 40 days that I plan on staying in the desert, by myself, with my God, my Lover, my Beloved.

Really. Brace yourselves y'all, good things are starting to happen... but with every promised land comes a desert, and with every conquer comes a war. So yeah, all of that too.

Quick trip

2007-04-05T00:29:00.000-05:00

This week has been a strange week, to say the least. A good but strange week.

Yesterday I went to Monterrey to get my student visa. Those of you who don't know, I am going to Boston for some time during the summer to take a couple courses at BU. The whole thing was crazy. From the moment I woke up, or "not-woke up" really, because I don't recall hearing the alarm, to the last part of the day where I ate tacos for the first time in like two months, it all felt so surreal, very dali-esque, except without the nasty feeling in your stomach... oh wait, I did get that, but that was from the fact that I ate too many different things and then got on a taxi that could've easily been mistaken for a blender.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's all begin where good things begin: right where it all started.

So I got up in the morning, my mom knocked at my door and told me we should already have been leaving for the airport. I still don't know what's happening so I jump out of my bed and hit the light switch. "I'll just put on some clothes and wash my teeth, and we can leave." I said as I was trying to find something decent to wear. My mom insisted, however, that I shower, so I complied and took a very quick 4 minute shower , put on some shorts and a shirt... I looked so not decent for a consulate interview to get my visa. My mom made notice of that, so I changed into a nicer shirt (no great improvement there really, but really, it was 6 in the morning).

So we're off to the airport, and my half-asleep brother grumbles something at us when we are getting out of the car. An hour and forty minutes until our plane leaves, we check in (too early for my gusto) and head up to get some breakfast. Ten minutes before boarding time, the security guard at the gate entrance tells us our flight has been canceled.

I'm not panicking yet, because again, it is too early in the morning. But I really do have to get to Monterrey NOW because I have a visa interview in less than three hours.

We're getting another ticket, another plane leaves half an hour after our flight was supposed to. We can still make it, we tell ourselves and board the plane. Next thing I know I'm drooling over my mom's shoulder and we've landed. Time to go? An hour: we can still make it.

We find a cab, and wait in line at the wrong taxi company line, realize that our taxi was waiting at the curb, we hurry and get in. "Take the highway, they say it's quicker"... and there we are, driving towards the consulate, the taxi driver just doesn't seem to want to be quiet, so we talk for a bit. He's from Linares, small cities have no work opportunities, they shouldn't be charging for highway use, we're here at the consulate.

Some paperwork checking and finding some random security guard to take care of our cell phones we're inside. They're checking my name on a list, cross it and now it's time to go through the metal detector. My mom forgot to leave her iPod headphones outside, so I have to hurry outside and give them to the security guard who's taking care of our cell phones. We're back inside. There's a line. Long line.

Now I'm inside a small booth and they're checking my papers. Some payment I had to make was not registered in the system... Oh my God, are you kidding me?

So, no payment register... means no visa. But they take my picture and my mom and I go to another line. We're getting the mean visa lady, I wanted the one next to her, but there's nothing I can do. Finally we're right in front of her, I give her my papers.

"The SEVIS payment is not registered in the system. We can't give you the visa"

"What is going on?" I think to myself (because who can I think to, really? Although I do know a couple people who can tell you what you are thinking) So really, God, is something not right? Do you not want me to go? Am I forcing something that you don't want to happen?

"You need to check with the university... blah blah blah" said the consul, and I'm not really panicking YET... so after some checking to see what we can do, we head out to find a cyber where we can try and see what on earth happened with the SEVIS fee I did pay, but was not register... I call BU, there's nothing they can do. I call the DHS and the stupid machine is no help. I print out another receipt, sort of... but it won't make the system register it...

"God, if you don't want me to go... if it is not in your plans, stop me. I don't want to do anything against your will."

At this point I'm panicking, and I'm being aggressive, spitting out short and unpleasant remarks to my moms insistence that I not chat while I was finding out what was going on.

We're heading back to the consulate. We're in... "The consuls are out to eat. Come back in like 40 minutes"... but then this other dude is on the phone with someone and takes the paper I have saying I just need to pay the SEVIS fee... I don't know what he says or what happens but he tells me to go in again. We do, and I'm talking to some other consul. This time a guy. He seemed nicer.

So I don't even hand in my other receipt. He asks me something about paying for the program and if I have something that can prove it. I show him a bank statement and he says nothing. For like 3 minutes he says nothing. He tears my little paper and does some things I can't remember. Then he puts my passport at his side and gives me a green piece of paper. "Take this to the postal delivery service at the end of the street."

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

"You'll have your visa in four or five days"

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

My mom asks if they keep my passport.

"The visa is glued to the passport"

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

"Will I get my passport back" I ask not really thinking

"If your visa is glued to your passport and you are getting your visa, I guess you should expect to, don't you think?"

I laugh sheepishly and grin at him like I'm some kind of airhead.

We head out of the consulate and I swear I want to jump and scream because...

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

Yes, it meant I had my visa. It meant that God had opened the final door, in some sense.

So we're walking to the delivery place and I've learned my lesson. "Don't leave things for the very end" my mom tells me.

"I know." I answer back and just walk alongside.

Dude, I got my student visa. For the first time in my life I will leave my city for more than a month, by myself, to study, at an American university, writing courses.

My dream. Or one of them really... (I went back and checked my 101 things I want to do before I die... this summer I'll be crossing out 4 items in the list) And I can't wait for the trip to begin. The coolest thing about it is that I'll be gone 40 days (41, but one is a travel day so it doesn' count)I'll get my 40 days in the desert, lured by my lover so he can show me his heart's secrets.

So then we go to this fancy restaurant that my mom loves and I eat deliciously... however, after eating such an international dish, with weird sauces that tasted bittersweet, we got on another cab to the airport.

Awful is an understatement of how that cab ride went. The cab driver drove fast, but not only did he drive fast, he insisted on being no more than two meters away from the cars in front of him. He braked regularly, with very little grace and insisted on changing lanes like a maniac. Forty minutes later and I'm at the airport and I swear I want to throw up. I don't. Instead we go to the American Express customer lounge and do that (lounge) for the next three hours. Our flight is leaving, we're home... run for the hills! We still have time to get to the prayer meeting.

I get there and head upstairs, to have some "privacy"... The music was amazing, the singing was heavenly and my God's presence was astounding. I prayed, sang, clapped, semi-danced, kneeled and overall mused on his heart.

Then I threw up.

So much for crazy taxi rides and visas. The day ended with soccer, friends and tacos.

to the moon

2007-03-31T23:04:00.001-06:00

I'll hold you dear, near. and close to my heart because. I do.
love. you. make my heart skip a beat. every time I look.
at. you. gently stir my deepest emotions.

I'll cry till rest, best. be going because I won't.
forget. you. 'll shine through my window. every sunrise. I look.
at. you. lovingly bring out the best in me.

For. ever. wonder. why things are. the way they are?

I won't. no more. doubting.

To the moon.

---- so apparently people didn't get this... the "." means that you can start the sentence over from that point and it will still make sense (at least most of it will)

example "I love. you. are crazy" would include "i love you" "you are crazy".. capishe?

Stranger than fiction

2007-03-25T23:39:00.000-06:00

So this movie, let me just begin by saying that it is not like anything I've ever seen.

I found myself walking out of the theater feeling good about myself and about everything that's been going on around me.

It's a simple movie, "quiet" as someone in some random forum described it to be. It is quite, but touching on so many levels.

First of all, this is the most bizarre and unusual movie I've ever seen. It truly is stranger than fiction.

There's this moment in the movie, that I'm sure was very different for all of us experiencing the film, where you just get pulled in.

I could hardly breathe when the story was unfolding.

It's a clean movie... not clean as in "rated G"... more like when you go into a restaurant and there's no smoking allowed, so the air is nice and clean and when you leave you don't reek of cigarettes smoke. Yes, clean like that. Fresh.

It was so fresh it was almost overwhelming. It's about living and enjoying and I'm not really sure what, but boy was it nice to see something like that after so many cliched movies.

I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to enjoy the process of life happening.

Mourning Saul and Jonathan's death

2007-03-25T22:54:00.000-06:00

I've never been in love. Real "in" love. So basically that means that I should have never suffered from a broken heart.

Up until now, other than the obvious life afflictions, you know, like issues with your parents, childhood friends undone, failing a test that really mattered, whatever crap that might have happened... I never fully understood how it felt to be broken hearted.

I've only imagined two people, one of them real and the other fictional, to have gone through this particular pain. One of them, the last James Bond in the 007 movies, the other, someone I know.

Both of them were in love and through harsh realizations had to, quite literally, let go of that relationship. Just one person from the four involved in these two stories died. And yes, it is the one in the 007 movie. But now that I understand this... this heartbreak think... all four of them could have died and it still wouldn't have mattered.

Because it doesn't matter if you die on the outside (and this right here is the part where my "exaggerate everything" tendency kicks in) you feel like you've been beaten and trampled so bad on the inside that I guess it wouldn't matter to feel anything else. Like nothing, because you are dead.

But then again I believe that when I die I'll go to heaven, so that's bound to be much better than feeling broken hearted.

So anyways, this post is my attempt at expressing what I'm not really sure I should express. But today, I felt a bullet go through my heart and come back out again.

It was not love, the type of love you could or should imagine... the kind you are "in" (love)... but it was love. It is love... and it is broken. My heart is broken.

And I'm gonna feel that a bit often from now on, and boy does that suck.

But there is a time for mourning and a time for whatever goes after that. The tricky part is forgetting. Forgetting while you're sitting in church listening to the pastor preach... while you're about to step up and play... while you're finally driving home... while you see them and go about as if nothing happened and nothing will happen... while you make your best attempt at being strong... while you're in line waiting for your movie to start...

I'll embrace the mourning, at least for a little bit. But one thing is for certain, I'm not doing what James Bond did. I'm doing what the other someone did. This will make me stronger, not more guarded. This will make me more vulnerable and not close hearted. This will make me grow and not stay in the same place half of my lifetime. This will make me get closer to God instead of further away from everyone else.

I'm really sorry I can't be more specific with all of this. It's just... not wise to do so.

You can't heal a wound if you don't let Him tear out the scab. or something like that

2007-03-24T13:21:00.000-06:00

"Saul and Jonathan were beloved and pleasant in their lives,
And in their death they were not divided;
They were swifter than eagles,
They were stronger than lions.

O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,
Who clothed you in scarlet, with luxury;
Who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.
How the mighty have fallen in the midst of the battle!

Jonathan was slain in your high places.
I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
You have been very pleasant to me;
Your love to me was wonderful,
Surpassing the love of women." 2 Samuel 1:23-26

The same day Saul died was the day Jonathan died. They were tied together even though they were not one same person. The same day I turned in my enemy, my heart had to be turned in also. Both die so He can live.

Goodbye Saul, you will not be missed. Goodbye Jonathan. I'm letting you go now.

sleepless in tampico

2007-03-14T00:48:00.000-06:00

So I can't sleep, and it's been a while since I haven't been able to sleep quite like this. Because I'm not tired and I should be, being that last night I slept like 5 hours... probably more because I overslept, but it felt like five.

I've been trying really hard this past month to write something interesting, mind-shaking or even a bit inspiring. Boy has it been hard.

I don't want to rant because ranting is overrated now... I'm trying this new thing where I don't whine and I focus on the good side of things.

I don't have any deeper insight into my life right now... things are starting to build up again so I haven't any conclusions so far. But I'm getting there I guess.

There's some very good news in other aspects of my life and career, but I'm gonna hold on to that info until I'm rolling with it all and then I'll tell you all about it.

I debated with myself on not posting this entry, because it's so lame and all, but I will anyways.

Ohh, the spiderman trailer is awesome... and this coming from someone who HATES comicbook based movies... (I watch them anyways, but whatever) heh. I'll talk about it and what it means to me later.

Thursday, March 8 2007

2007-03-08T23:30:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking and thinking about making out of writing something serious in my life.

Most of you already know that apparently, I have this odd passion for the film industry... and yes, I do appreciate a good directed movie, I'm a sucker for an awesome soundtrack and scripts make or break a movie... but, here's a confession I haven't made to anyone yet. Not even my concience.

I think I don't like movies that much... I mean, not enough to make them. Or maybe I do, I just don't know. You see, I've been thinking, and while doing that realizing, that my love for the film industry is more of an acquired taste from a couple of friends I had a long time ago. And the thing is, once my mind began developing around it, wow, it just felt right. I've always wanted to do something creative, and the many times I've "directed" something for like class and stuff, I always had a blast doing so and felt right in my element... But still, thinking about making that my life dream... well, no. I just couldn't picture myself doing it all my life. Or maybe yes, I just don't know.

However, writing. That's something that's always been a passion of mine. For lack of organization and whatever, I stopped doing so for quite some time. But when I find myself before a computer or a new sheet in my very-vintage-harriet-the-spy-notebooks there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

I feel selfish sometimes, because I always write about me. So maybe next time I'll write about something else. Maybe a movie, a cd, a moment in time or in whatever.

I most likely wont' write here for like a month or so, so I just want to leave whoever reads this with one last thought for your day.

"This is the law of the house; Upon the top of the mountain the whole limit thereof round about shall be most holy. Behold, this is the law of the house." Ez 43:12

Figure it out. I'm doing so too.

Shrimps

2007-03-05T23:25:00.000-06:00

I had a terribly eye-opening day today... shocking, I guess I could call it like that. I tried to search for a word that truly fit my feeling, but I couldn't find it.

I went out with my mom and finally realized many things.

One

There's this particular moment, a time where you feel words and images, people and places, thoughts and feelings collide together and suddenly, you understand. "Revelation!" you're probably saying. No... we've just been deceived into believing revelation comes in the sweet moment of intellectually understanding.

You see, most of the time our "revelations" are just mere comprehensions of what we've heard or seen. Deeper into the reality of revelation, true revelation comes from intimacy.

Revelation comes from "knowing" God... the first time the term "knowing" is used in the Bible it's when Adam "knew" Eve... meaning that they were intimate with each other... and that intimacy, that "knowledge", is the same as real revelation. Out of that moment of knowledge and intimacy came life: fruit, if you may. Children... so when our great understandings and revelations come without fruit, measurable fruit, tangible fruit, then is it really revelation? No... for revelation comes from intimacy and true intimacy encapsulates knowledge, and true knowledge produces: children, fruit... life. If our "revelations" are not producing measurable fruit, then we need to ask ourselves if we're actually connecting our intellectual comprehensions with our spiritual realities. From the Book to our life... in that moment, that's when we reach revelation.

Two

I keep telling myself I don't know what I want. My dreams, I fear, are acquired aspirations. Stolen bits and pieces from all the people around me. I've become a puzzle piece and so far just left and right have matching pieces...

Trying to figure out what I want, bumping into the possibility of having dreams, of becoming something.

I tell myself not to do anything before "I know". Before "I know" EXACTLY what God wants for me and how to get there. So far, I thought that that way of thinking was fine... because I wasn't thinking it like that, it was more like "I don't want to mess up, show me Your way so I can walk in it and please You"...

mistake number one: believing I would be saved from "messing up"...

I will mess up, and I have deeply messed up in many ways. Jesus already knew that and He still wants me to try anyways.

It's easier like this: I don't let myself dream because I tell myself that in the end, if I chase my dream, God will make me choose between my dream and His. Obviously, I'd choose His (I think I would) and then I'd feel miserable for letting go everything I had worked so hard for.

But talking with wiser persons here and there... turns out I don't trust God.

mistake number two: thinking I was not going to mess up...

Who said anything about not messing up? I'm so infatuated with the idea of "being ok" and not messing up that I'm not doing anything anyways. I sit by my computer and wonder what the future will bring but I'm too afraid to face it.

It's time to mess up...

Three

Has to do with Two...

So now that I decided to risk it. Do it. Take a chance. Dream my dreams. Chase them all over the world...

Why do we keep insisting on believing in a God that WANTS you to suffer and loose your dreams for some lame dream He might have?

Don't we know that His plans are greater than ours? Don't we know that His ways are better than our ways? Don't we say that we believe that what's in His heart for us is always the best?

Then why do I think that once I do get to the "choose your or my dream" part of my life, "my dream" will be the best one and God's dream will only be a second rate thing?

Will that help me trust in Him a bit more? Let's hope so.

Four

People are amazing. Love is amazing. Vulnerability is amazing. Why don't we give it a try?

Do the chicken dance!

2007-03-02T00:31:00.001-06:00

So I had this entry all planned out, half of it written and all, but then I thought it might be kind of confusing, so now I have to figure out what I want to talk about.

In all honesty, this past month has been one of the most intense months of all my short life. I remember praying to God, saying with all my heart, "show me my heart... open my eyes", and boy did He take it seriously. For dramatic purposes, although it is as real as I am writing it, He did open my eyes: I saw everything I've never wanted to see in my life. All the trash, all the concealed shards and cobwebs. All the demons... turns out my heart isn't as nice and clean as I liked to think it was.

So there I am, facing a mirror, and what I see is like nothing I've ever seen before. I look into my eyes and I see shades of gray that have never caught my gaze on previous occasions. But there it is. And God is truly shouting at me "Look. See. Hear. Understand." and all I do is run like a beheaded chicken trying to hide from an obvious truth, an impending fate...

It's time to choose. Time to decide where I want to head off to. Life or death.

It's like when God told Moses "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that... you... may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers..."

He called heaven and earth as witnesses... "Choose life" He says, with nothing but a desire to have me... and there I go again, beheaded chicken running in circles trying to get somewhere, unaware that most likely I won't go anywhere because, dude, I don't have a head.

And there I go again.

Let me be a bit clearer so you can understand what is going on.

As it turns out my heart is filled with violence and bitterness... Violence? Wow, that's a term I never thought I'd use to describe myself. But yes, world, now you know. I am violent. And not precisely the good "heaven taking violent", just plain ol' violent. And amongst other things, I want things to be done my way or the highway... but since I had been praying to God that I wanted Him to show me His ways, now He's all "My way or the highway" on me, which is good, really. I just have a hard time coming to terms with myself, realizing that all this time that I thought and believed that I was walking straight ahead all I was doing was the beheaded chicken dance: running everywhere, heading nowhere.

And now here I am, finally coming to terms with the fact that there are indeed scratches and bruises all over me. I'm not perfect, as I'd come to expect of myself. I fail miserably and am incapable of love. I am selfish and cold hearted. I am violent and controlling. I am envious and vindictive.

But as I lay on my bathroom floor, face down before my God, the secret of life unveiled inside me:

Yes, I am all those things. But whatever I am is covered by the fact that I am saved and I am His beloved.

- Oh come on! Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm not kidding. It is covered. All you have to do is believe.

- This can't be true. I mean, look at all I've done and though and said and broken.

- In those things, precisely, is where the power of my Love comes in. What good would perfecting love bring if you were able to perfect yourself on your own? I say to you repent and turn to Me. Obey to every Word that comes from My mouth... I will circumcise your heart so that you may love me with all your heart and soul...

This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.

- *speechless*

Yes. That is the way it was intended to be. All I have to do, all you have to do, all we have to do is listen.

Obedience is in there too, right alongside faith and determination.

But amidst it all is where I find myself being held by His mercies and being softly caressed by the touch of His hand. And as I come to terms with myself I come to terms with the fact that He is the one who transforms me. So I guess all I have to do now is what I already know I have to do... the determining factor is seen the moment I decide to actually do what I know I have to do.

I'll do it... Lead on: This time I'm fighting.

only thing that matters

2007-02-28T18:56:00.000-06:00

I want to know what's going on...

with some hard work I'm sure you'll be able to walk again...

I don't know what to do

everything has a purpose, even this. and its up to you to find it

a warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does.

I don't think your leg is the only thing that got broken

they've told me you will never compete again

you'll be amazed at what you can do

I call myself a peaceful warrior, because the battles we fight are on the inside

This moment... is the only thing that matters

from "peaceful warrior"

My thoughs, well, most of them anyways

2007-02-28T16:45:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've written something substantial, and truthfully I regret the past ranting entries, but we'll just leave 'em to show that we all have ups and downs... I said I was going to write more, but this month has been a crazy month. I found this article, that just about sums up my thoughts, mostly. It's about messy lives and facades and needing God and being overwhelmed and all that... so, if you're someone who would read MY entry on this blog, I really really think you should read this... I was considering saying something like "that's what I think I'm just a bit more evolved into it" but it would be lying. However, there are some things I don't relate too, you are free to take whatever you want... So, I can see it now, the mess, that is... and now I'm figuring out my way out of it. Step by step.

Here's to hoping I have time to write more at night when I'm done studying... because this time I actually have to.

I can't breathe

2007-02-22T23:31:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry but it is... can You fix it? Will You please fix it? I can't do it on my own... Please... I'm begging You. Breath on me... blow away the confusion and shine Your light on me.

I'm fading. Hold on to me

ETA: if someone read the lyrics I had here before, I took them off because I didn't really read all of it until now and realized that half of what they said I don't believe in... so, that's that

old post

2007-02-15T08:40:00.001-06:00

I think I've hit a breach, so I'm not going to let it go just now.

It seems the easiest thing to do is always just lose your limits. And when you think about it, it's really is as easy as jumping a two feet fence. You just do, and before you know it, you're already on the other side.
I've always had a hard time grasping the concept of limits. We can all go around blaming our parents for it. But it's only ourselves who live with that for the rest of our lifes. Or... yes, or. We can choose to live a life in which two feet picket fences symbolize the freedom in which we are able to forever enjoy life rather be "incarcerated" by real or imaginary walls.
It's as simple as this: a fence, a lamb, a desert. The lamb, refusing to be tied down by the alliusive wall decides to one day not go into the pen. By doing this, she actually believes that she is now free, rather a prisoner of circumstances, and begins to wander off, absobring

daunting
compelling

sometimes i feel like my thoughts actually try to drown me...

writers block

2007-02-14T01:00:00.000-06:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
-Rilke

This time

2007-02-10T01:30:00.000-06:00

I told Pr that I wasn't going to write about the wedding, but I guess I will

I am so tired, I already did like five backspaces just in the last sentece to correct misspelled words and typing mistakes.

this is retarded. I can't write

The wedding was awesome. The food was on time, which was FREAKING awesome. GOSH! And I danced for a while, which was pretty awesome too, except I was so tired I left at like 12:30 in the morning instead of the planned 3 am... hehe... so now I'm here writing about the wedding not really remembering what I was really going to write about. Oh yeah, it was about fighting... but I can't do it unless I'm sober (I'm not drunk really, just tired) so I'll just leave you with one thought

This time, I'm fighting

suckiness

2007-02-08T13:39:00.000-06:00

I just about tanked my first partial exams...

I felt so frustrated when I realized that this partial was going to be patheticly low, I came home.

Hold on a sec. It's not like I'm being all emotional... but I knew I wasn't going to pay any attention to the next class anyways.

I have to get a grip of all this school stuff... apparently college does require studying, contrary to my very unpopular belief... so, I have to nerd it up this next partials to TRYYYY and get a freaking 90 for an average.

I just needed to vent a little... so, there it is.

Tumbling Skeptics

2007-02-06T00:35:00.000-06:00

I painted something else on my wall today. It says "determination: firmness of purpose"

I went out with V, A and P today. A was here for the weekend, kinda, for the first time in six months. All through the night and into our conversation I was taken aback by so many realizations -things I've been having a lot of lately - but anyways. The following is my thoughts on the matter, if anyone can identify with them, fine, but don't feel offended otherwise.

A moved to another city a while back... and if you read this A, take it as somewhat of a reconciliation letter of some sorts... Even before she moved, we... more like I... pulled back. Crap happened and I just plain and simple pulled back... And I'm terribly sorry for doing that A. For being such an ass of a friend and letting go when things got ugly.

Now I'm sitting there seeing how A's heart is so many things that I've always dreamed of, and by no means am I envious of anything, at all. On the contrary, I am moved, inspired even, and I am stirred in my spirit because my perspective has been widened.

So all of these things that I had been pushing back in my heart start flowing back in like a tidal wave and I don't know what's gotten into me. And she's talking and I can see in her eyes the beauty of her heart, and I feel terrible because I didn't have the courage to believe. In her, in life... in God mostly.

We've become such terrible skeptics. Refusing to believe those things that try to move us from our tiny area of comfort. Before we know it, we're so self involved that we've already forgotten that there's actually a world out there, that we are really not that important. Listening to A talk pulled me out of my own shoes and opened my eyes again, to so many things that I, myself, was fiercely shutting my eyes to.

We've been trained to believe that what we have is always the best... or the worst (not my case, though) and we're prepared to fight for that belief whatever the cost. Our minds, so tightly wound, always finding a way to protect us from our insecurities. Even God we find a way to fit into a box. But who are we to fit such an amazing and spectacular Power into a man-made frame? Who are we to limit the capacity of the Uncreated One?

It is so easy for me to point my finger everywhere else, saying things like "she's wrong, he's right" and in a glimpse I've become what I so very much hate. And as I sit here and write, the song on the background agrees with me saying: "Save me from comfort and paper religion. Save me from my complacency. Save me from my delusions."

Reflecting on everything that happened tonight I can't help but ask myself. Have I become so selfish and egocentric that I truly think so highly of myself? Am I what Paul says on Romans 12 when he warns us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, but to think soberly?

With such little discomfort I find myself stepping up to my soapbox proclaiming great feats, calling all attention unto me. Convincing myself that God has one plan and one way and that everyone else is wrong and no one knows what I know or sees what I see... and I am so wrong. I am so terribly and utterly wrong.

Why do I try and push God into my own small four walls?

Am I going to let Him be? Am I going to let Him be God the way I cannot comprehend nor understand? It is a risk... Letting all my paradigms fall down to the ground. It comes with letting go of the control of my life, but like I've said before, it's a risk I'm very much willing to take.

Will I believe now, that He works in ways I will never fully grasp? Will I be willing to stop looking only at myself and love others in selfless way? I have hope, as we all have hope.

I cannot let myself stop believing... in people's ability to change, to stand firm, to remain unshaken. I cannot let myself believe that there are only few crying out for the heart of the Father... it's like that prophet dude that whined to God saying that He was the only man of God left after a prophet killing, and then God told him that He was thinking too much of himself, that He had been setting aside a couple hundred men and women with a heart hungry for God... oy.

We cannot believe only for ourselves, our families, our churches and our nations. Who will believe for other people, other families, other churches and other nations if not us? (seeing as we many times barely believe in ourselves)

We cannot keep limiting God saying he can or can't do or say as He pleases, for He alone is God.

bits and pieces

2007-02-04T19:53:00.000-06:00

Look before your eyes and wait. Wait. Wait.

It'll be here before you know it.
revolution.

transformation.

revelation.

over and over and over again.

Lost in wonder waves of silver colors
Found hidden in gentle kisses
She will. He has. We are. forever.

overcoming beauty.
shards of golden raindrops.
completion

saturation

designation: His

they used to be great

2007-02-04T17:40:00.000-06:00

this is my week, summarized into a song...

Monday found me on my knees again, breathing You in
To blur the lines that mark where I begin and where You end
No use in trying to pretend, come take me again
Cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over... I turn myself in
I turn everything over... I turn myself in
There's nothing left of me to defend
I turn everything over... I turn myself in

The evidence convicts the hollow man, after looking inside
To my dismay I find I'm just one of them
Cause I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man, come break this limbo
And I know You know just who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over...

Rumor has it You love me
Rumor has it the world spins upside down
Rumor has it my only hope is You
And the rumors are true
I turn everything over [to You]

then there's this "wooo hooo hooo hooo hoooo" in the song that just about makes my day.

- I Turn Everything Over, Switchfoot

overwhelmed

2007-02-02T22:48:00.000-06:00

overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass...

as of this moment, there is one prayer lingering in my heart: that my eyes would behold You in all of Your beauty., and that my eyes would behold You in all of your glory... Lord come and awaken my heart; inflame my desire for You.

You told me tonight that You found my worship beautiful... you whispered to my ears that You find me beautiful... and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the fact that You love me. Just as I am.

I want to find You. Everywhere I go. I've said it before, Father, but I'll say it forever: I want to say with all my heart that You are my Father in whose presence I abide.

Let me see Your face, let me hear Your voice. You are the one I love and I will seek You forever.

I want but to sit at your feet gazing at your fiery eyes, melting away in the flames of Your passion.

gaze: look steadily and intently, especially in admiration, surprise, or though. [in sing. ] (in literary theory) a particular perspective taken to embody certain aspects of the relationship between observer and observed.

Between Lover and loved. Between You and me.

My heart hurts because I know I have to let go of myself. You've been taking me gently to a point in which the only next step is to turn everything over, and I want to see You and behold You, so I'll do anything.

I lift my eyes up to the heavens and my heart stretches out to You. Father, Son, Spirit of God.

One thing I desire in my heart and that will I seek: to abide in Your presence, Lord all the days of my life. FOREVER

and that huge mass that is burying me? It's His love, forever mine, although I most assuredly do not deserve it. But He doesn't care that I don't deserve it, so why would I?

(It is a season of change, of transformation. It is time to love=live)

I just had to

2007-02-02T00:29:00.000-06:00

Someone I love wrote again tonight... well, more like they wrote and let me see again tonight. I'm always amazed by that persons writing, and I'm also amazed at the fact that she called me to my house phone and I did not listen to it ring at all! And I wasn't even asleep asleep (o so I though) I mean, I had just gotten to bed like 10 minutes earlier... that probably means I was really tired. But here I am, again: writing at almost 1 in the morning. How beautiful it is, to be inspired even in the darkness. How much I'd love to be so in my spirit.

So... I've come to deep realizations about myself these past days. First of all, as it turns out, I am NOT in control of my life... and as weird as it is to realize that what you always thought would be in your hands really isn't in your hands at all, it is also somewhat amazing, that something as important as a human beings life is being taken cared of by their One and Only Creator.

Father, may I never look away from You. Ever.

I'm trying to decide if I should tell you about this. You see I'm about to embark into a profound journey into my Lover's heart... this time, I'm figuring out how beautiful he made me, and trough that, I'm going to learn how to love me. And for that, I plan on writing these articles, every week or so, in which I speak of myself in third person, and just about praise me for whatever it is I've done right during the week...

The issue here is that as it turns out, I am very demanding with myself. I have great expectations of what I should be doing, or not doing, and I spend all my time and energy making sure I do things right. So when I don't, I usually get all over me and I unconsciously find ways to "hurt" or "punish" myself... like if I told myself I didn't deserve the things He gives me every day... so, because of that, I am going to write that column.

It's going to be my healing column... and I'll probably post it up here just because it makes it much more challenging to have people read it...

one last thought for the day, copied from the song I've been listening to lately: Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze I become more like You and my heart is changed, and as You fill my view transform me into the likeness of You.

This year, I have to say this again: will be a good year. A great year. A year for change, a year to establish, to lay down foundations... a year to step up to the plate and begin to play

boogie wonderland

2007-01-31T09:25:00.000-06:00

my creative header skills are low this morning... ehh, whatever

It's tomorrow morning (from when I wrote the last post) and the runny nose has turned into a clogged nose... with a little bit of runny... *in a preachery voice* Sooo let us praaay, brothers, for I caaannoooot staaand runny noses. I want to sing and pray out loud, but my voice does not want to with me. so yes, let us praaay, pray against my stupid cold... (that last part was more me than the preachery voice. heh)

I think this is the first day out of the past 30 that I don't have my day all planned out... I have so much to do though that I have to start planning right about.... now! so yeah, I have 2 exams tomorrow and I don't have the copies to study, so I have to get those. Then... um... I think that's all I have to do really, so I can relax a bit today. I was going to go to my singing class, but I can't because I can't breathe right because of my nose (so right this moment, I'm calling my teacher to set up another time this week, because I didn't go last time... but he didn't answer)

I want to watch a movie, or something nice and relaxing. ooh, I saw a different episode of laguna beach last night, it was cool. Heh. They all went down to "Cabo", but the funny thing was, unlike the past 2 seasons, these guys went with their parents! I guess the parents saw the other seasons and didn't want those things going on this time... heh, party poopers! (I'm kidding)

So, to all who read this: have a good morning! If you read it at a different time, which you probably will: have a great *insert whatever period of the day you want here* and enjoy!

Later

nose crying

2007-01-31T00:33:00.000-06:00

I cried so hard last night that when I finished I had a very intense runny nose... so intense, it's still runny right now... so intense, that i can't tell when my mucus (ew, I'm sorry) has left my nose and is gushing towards my lips... so intense, that it makes me cry... for real, like I can't make it stop, my eyes are all watery and I'm sneezing like five times every half hour and tears are just rolling down my cheeks and I'm not even sad or anything. Ugh I feel like a broken faucet... so much for "feeling" my emotions

dear one,

2007-01-28T18:39:00.000-06:00

When I look at you all I want is good things to happen in your life. When I see you smile I believe that God really has made something amazing. I hear of stories of fantasic places, but they are all inside your heart. I wish I could take a peek inside sometimes. I know I've seen a thing or two. But there's so much more I'd love to travel. The roads your imagination has paved through the universe, so much filled with grace and understading. Overflowing with love, and passion.

I pray I can care for you forever.

sincerely,

two

pay no attention to what's written in this entry, it's just me being immature and stupid

2007-01-27T01:05:00.000-06:00

I'm so sick of waiting for everyone else to do what they are supposed to khaahkgñbdsgñbfgawbgwa do!

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. It's killing my nerves and it's frustrating me.

GOD! I'm so frustrated! I want to smack the hell out of my computer, or anything else near my smacking range.... that, or scream. But it's late, so I can't scream, and I can't smack anything because the last time I hit something while in an anger fit I bruised one of my toes so bad I limped for like a week.

When I finally had all the doors open around me, I made my decision. Then it all began to close down on me so fast I didn't know what hit me.

Why on earth would I be guided into finally deciding, and believing that things were ok, just to be messed over?

This is probably so wrong, but I still feel it all inside of me. Today I felt like a two year old. Well, maybe more like a 10 year old. Making a fuss over the stupidest thing. Getting mad for the most insignificant issue. Being a general ass, really.

And all for what? just for the freaking realization that I am not in control of my life. And why would I be, if I decided I was turning over my control to my Father? Oh but no. I had to realize it the hard way. The hit-you-square-in-the-face way.

I'm so over it. That's it for today, I have to go bawl the rest of it out to my Dad.

I hope I wake up in the morning

2007-01-26T00:37:00.000-06:00

It's always much more appealing at one in the morning than at three in the afternoon, don't you think?

As my eyelids are barely holding up, I try my best to speak... more like write... the words gushing through my heart. Klaus Kuehn in the background, a new sound for a new journey to come. Isn't God beautiful?

I recently discovered someone I didn't think knew something about me really does know it... I'm not sure, but I think I actually wrote about that before. I re-discovered it today and was blown away by it. It makes me uneasy to write about it, like never before... so this is all you'll get from me on this subject. I just wanted to throw it in the air.

"There are defining moments in each persons life that prove to confirm his or her God-given calling, purpose and destiny. Along life journeys one might encounter a bountiful mixture of truth and temptation, joy and sorrow, blessings and trials. And somewhere in all these experiences comes a distinguished moment that settles forever that one thing God has called them to do... With each of us its the journey, the life experiences that lead up to that particular moment that the Lord so aptly uses to solidify, once and for all, for which your life has been destined for... Change comes in varied forms. We embrace joyous seasons whole-heartedly, but it is in sorrows that our faith is tried and our endurance is tested." Klaus Kuehn

Oy...

It's upon these kinds of realizations that I am left kneeling before my God crying out to His heart 'Abba Father'. For He is the only one I need, and He's the one guiding me.

couldn't wait

2007-01-25T10:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't really reaaally written in the past 5 days so I'm getting all antsy about it.

Truth is, I've been busy. But today I didn't go to school because I felt kind of sick in the morning, and it was so cold I didn't even want to try. So here I am, sitting at... nope, I won't tell you where... about to go downstairs and have breakfast. On a good note, I've FINALLY been able to stick to my diet for a day and a half. (HA!) You see, that just made me sound very un-able to do something like diet for more than two days, but the fact is that I was very much able to for six months, and I lost almost 18 lbs (8 kg) but then crap happened and all that I had achieved during those six months went to... wherever... during the next year and a half. So now. I'm on a mission! Since I am most probably going to NY this summer (I already decided I was going to go, I'm just waiting for my last permission) (I was going to wait and tell you about it until I knew for sure, but I like to spoil surprises... here at least) ok, so I was saying: since I am most probably going to NY this summer, I MUST loose those horrible 18 lbs that I gained... Ohh, you want to know something? I don't know if I really did gain 18 lbs again, I've been to afraid to weight myself (that, and the fact that my scale broke... heh) ohh, and another good thing: those 18 lbs I gained again? apparently they went somewhere where they were never before, because all my clothes? (well most of them anyways) still fit me... All of them except my fancy clothes... and since I'm having a really important wedding in July, I really must look top notch.

So, enough about weight and clothes... I had been busy. Still am actually, I'm just resting for half an hour more, and then I'll get to it. I was going to work all night long, but my stomach hurt like someone was pounding it from the inside. Then I sort of fell asleep in my mom's room, and she had to guide me to my own room, half asleep, at 1:30 in the morning. I never knew what happened.

Omg, I can't sit here anymore. I'm gonna go eat my very much diet-y egg whites and cottage cheese (I heart cottage cheese, so diet is good on me)

--- I hate that I always misspell "surprise" and write "suprise"... whoever taught me that should be grounded! thank God for spell check.

thought of the day

2007-01-24T17:42:00.000-06:00

My spirit melts down every time I listen to anyone strum a few chords. (anyone good at it)

I pray my husband can play an instrument... any instrument would be good. But a guitar, that would be amazing.

In spanish y en ingles, you tell me.

2007-01-20T23:21:00.000-06:00

A: Le encargo una coca porfavor.

Mesero: ¿Una coca light?

A: No, una normal.

Mesero, con cara total de qué diantres: ¿¡normal!?

A: (silencio)

a los pocos segundos después, todavía no segura de que estaba ofendida: "Sí... ¿por qué ehhhh?"

Todos los demás en la mesa: ¡Jajajajaja!

IN ENGLISH!

A: Can I have a coke, please?

Waiter: A diet coke?

A: No, regular.

Waiter, absolutley puzzled: Regular?

A: (silence)

a few seconds later, still not sure if she was supposed to be offended: "Yes... but why?"

Everybody else at the table: Hahahaha! (unlike the beaner laugh in spanish... jeje)

despierto, y AUN estoy contigo

2007-01-20T00:54:00.000-06:00

Someone said I was a walking contradiction... no, that's not true... there was once a prince, who fell in love with a servant woman. He told her that she was a walking contradiction. But I feel like that sometimes.

V got her acceptance email from NY today. That means that now there is an actual decision to make. To go or not to go, that is the question... talking with V though, trying to figure out the whole situation she told me "ugh, we are two very complicated people"... and yes. She has a point there.

My sister asked me tonight what I was thinking about. She had been talking for quite a while, saying things I assume only her complicated mind can fashion, then she entered into a detailed description of things that had happened in her heart over some time away. It got me thinking... again.

About making the right decisions. About growing. About facing life and facing reality. About love and about fighting.

I want to write more, but I'm afraid it would all be vain writing. The issues in my heart are not in order, and going over them in writing would just be giving them permission to take over.

One thing I know... I'll rise up. For the Lord, He is my maker, my creator. He holds me in the palm of His hand.

He has searched me and known me. He understands me. He hedges me behind and before and his hand is laid upon me. I cannot get away from His Spirit. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

and tomorrow, when I awake, I will still be with You. I am. Forever, still with You.

Life and Career Plan

2007-01-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

(to understand the motive and reasoning behind this post, read previous post)

I finished it... sorry it's not in english for those who cannot read spanish. But I thought it would be nice to post it.

"Plan de vida y carrera"

Quisiera poder escribir aqui que tengo toda mi vida planeada y que la carrera que estoy estudiando tiene que ver en realidad con la carrera que quiero perseguir con mi vida. Pero no puedo, porque este ultimo mes al parecer me quedé sin planes.

Sin embargo, ¿quiere saber si tengo planes? Sí, de alguna manera sí los tengo.

Lo primero que quiero, anticipando cualquier esceptisicmo, es lo que Dios quiera.

Antes de continuar... también puedo sentarme aquí a escribir que quisiera ser escritora, directora de cine, periodista, todo menos algo que vaya a involucrar más de un 30% de tiempo sentada en un escritorio haciendo trabajo metódico y tedioso (a mi juicio personal). Le podría decir incluso en qué escuela quería estudiar. Que para ser escritora planeaba tomar cursos en los veranos, y después tal vez entrar en una maestria de desarrollo de la escritura. Que para ser directora de cine me iría a estudiar a Nueva York terminado la carrera, que todos los veranos buscaría la manera de aprender más de eso y que incluso desarrollaría mis propios proyectos en el proceso. Que para ser periodista me iría a Northeastern University en Chicago o a Emerson College en Boston... Pero hacer eso sería volver a empezar a desarrollar planes que pronto terminarían en ser solamente eso: planes.

Por el momento sé qué estoy haciendo y también sé que planeo hacerlo bien. Terminar mi carrera de mercadotecnia, aprender lo necesario para emprender un negocio de cualquier tipo, por si es necesario en un futuro. También sé que mi "carrera profesional" no es mi prioridad. Mi prioridad está en la voluntad de Dios para mi vida, y mi confianza está en que Dios me va a dirigir en ella.

¿Qué si le explico cómo está eso? No puedo muy bien, apenas estoy aprendiendo a entenderlo yo misma. Una cosa sí le puedo decir: mi vida no está en mis manos y he decidido cederle los derechos de mi futuro a mi Dios.

Otra cosa le puedo decir: lo que hago y lo que haga, lo voy a hacer bien. Lo voy a hacer tan bien que nadie va a poder decirme que lo que estoy haciendo no es lo que debería de estar haciendo. Y lo voy a disfrutar tanto que cualquiera que me vea va a querer saber qué estoy haciendo, por qué y cómo. Ese, ese sí es mi plan de vida y carrera. En resumidas cuentas, claro.

now. I'm going out on a limb here (i heart that expression) by turning that in... lets see how my very much career oriented teacher will react to my earnest confessions...

Rude Awakenings

2007-01-17T23:57:00.000-06:00

I just pulled my speaker's chord and they brutally fell on top of me... good thing is they still work fine.

On to the next subject... Today was very intense, to say the least. I'm still trying to assimilate everything that's been going on, but I can't seem to move on with myself. Procrastination meets evasion: only for a short period of time though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how I felt that in the 15 days that have gone by this year I feel like I've lived through a whole year. Every day is like a totally different month, and I'm facing many of my realities like a shocking roll of thunder.

If I had anything logical to write, I probably would. I'm totally hiding from the fact that I have to write a paper titled "Life and career plan" for tomorrow. I had two weeks to do it, but still here I am, less than 8 hours till I have tu turn it in. But you know what? I'm afraid to plan ahead.

If I had to choose, my major self-confrontation this week has been about my future. As some of you probably know, I was planning on going to NY for the summer to intern for a film company or something like that... everything seemed according to plan, except my heart caught up with me. Now, I'm not so sure

If you promise not to tell anyone... I don't think I'm going.

You see, this week I've been confronted with who I want to be. A couple entries down, I wrote about how all my plans usually get screwed up, or how I always seem to have a plan for what I wanted to do next... this time, I'm planless...

I thought I wanted to be a film director. I idealized myself creating soul-stirring movies. I truly believed that I would find a way to reach the unreachable through subliminal messages and well-presented biblical principles.

Then my heart went back to the beginning. When I first knew God, all I wanted was to be an influential woman of God. I even asked Him to tell me what ministry He wanted me for... He answered: apostle... the modern-day-not-so-much-but-kinda missionary. I envisioned myself standing before crowds of thousands, words flowing, Spirit moving, hearts being transformed... but then I grew up and movies seemed so much more appealing to me... I know I'd be good at it. I even know God gave me so many skills and creativity for anything I'd like to do... but then again... do I want to do what I want to do? As a servant of God, am I my own? Have I not decided to surrender my rights when I said to God: 'I am yours'?

Jesus' disciples had jobs, some of them were important accountants or accomplished men in the community... but they didn't do that with their lives. Following Jesus really did take leaving everything behind...

I'm not saying that those who choose to follow a career path or even have a calling to a specific area not directly linked with the ministry are less than those who dedicate their lives to the ministry.

But what do I want of my life?

If I do go into the film industry, I will make sure to bring God glory, but indirectly it would also bring me glory... The life I had desired in my heart before, but not planned for, that life, that is the only one that would give glory only to my God.

Then I find myself sitting and thinking: who am I going to be? Who do I want to be?

And my heart says 'Give the glory to your God'... but my mind says 'you can give glory to your God not only by 'being in the ministry... why did he give you so many talents and dreams and aspirations then, if only to waste them away?'

You wanna know what? I don't know.

I really, really don't know.

I need direction. I know in my heart where I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid to admit it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I truly surrender my life I will no longer have control over it. Even though that is what I want.

So until I make up my mind... or really until my heart and my mind finally decide to agree... until then, I have no direction other than the three steps I have to take tomorrow. So, how I am I supposed to write a "life and career plan" if I have no clue where my life is heading and I don't even know if I want to have a career?

----

Isn't it ironic though, that the other thing I'm learning about is enjoying the process of living a day at a time? Isn't it ironic that God is going to so much trouble to show me that I should not worry for what is to come?

remember the lilies... that's my only conclusion so far. Everything else is a white sheet of paper DYING to be written on.

girl, interrupted

2007-01-15T00:13:00.000-06:00

don't you think?

photo

2007-01-14T16:25:00.000-06:00

The guiltiest guilty pleasure: Laguna Beach

I watched season 1 religiously, season 2 not so much and frankly, season 3 basically sucks. Bad habits die-hard though, because I'm sitting in my mom's bedroom after eating sushi watching repeats of season 3 episodes.

The greatest thing about a laptop is that when a song you like comes on tv you can google it immediately and download it. Ah the magic of music.

There's this movie I'm going to watch in my photography class about a percussionist who is deaf. How incredible is that! Oh and also, we're watching another movie about a blind photographer. There definitely has to be something to learn about that.

Yesterday was my first photography class. It was good. But there's so much out there that I have no clue how I'm going to manage to keep my heart clean.

You see, the thing about photography, good photography at least, is that it tells you something. A good photograph has the power to touch your soul because it tells you something. Most photographers, most artists in general (I'm going out on a limb here, I'm generalizing, mostly speaking of mainstream artist) are people with an obscure past. They are hurting souls and their outlet, their inlet really... if there's even something called like that... is through their art. They can't touch their emotions because it would drive them crazy, so instead they create art and eventually end up crazy too... avoiding their broken hearts and desperate spirits.

People like their art because their own spirits recognize the spirit behind the piece of art, but ignorant to the spiritual world around us, they don't know it... be it a photography, a sculpture, painting, whatever. So it's hard for me to see pictures like those of Sally Mann for example, an amazing photographer I was introduced to yesterday and not be stirred inside, and not precisely in a good way. The photo I saw was of this girl, a young 10-year-old maybe, holding what appears to be a cigarette. Her eyes scream out to the world, asking why she had to grow up so soon, why she's being corrupted by those who should love her. Her sister on the side, her back to us, seems to be saying "whatever, it is what it is" and with detachment stares at her brother, climbing up on his own way on blurry stilts.

When I take pictures I want the Spirit of God to flow through me. I don't want nostalgic pictures that carry an air of bittersweet memories. I want love, passion, joy, mercy, grace, glory and power to flow through them. I want everything I do to overflow that.

It's amazing. Our God is amazing. My God is amazing. And I can't conceive a life without Him. And looking at those pictures, shattered pieces of people’s hearts splatter over my eyes while one by one I analyze the discourse behind it. And I truly wonder how on earth anyone can live without Him. I mean, life is as hard as it can be sometimes and I know better.

To touch Him, to be near Him, to know He' standing over you. Who can offer anything better than that? (Am I good at getting sidetracked or what?)

That's all on my mind right now, but I'm gonna stop now because my laptop's battery is almost over.

random thoughs about everything

2007-01-13T02:50:00.000-06:00

zeal: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective

Crying. Lying on the floor, beside my nightstand a sharp coal.
Take it and write upon the double stones.
I cannot see for it hurts even though it shouldn't.

I love many people, but I really truly belive I'd give my life in a heartbeat (literally) for only two of them (the rest I could think about ;) heh). One of them hurt tonight and I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces with every teardrop. Sometimes I just want to hold her hand and breathe out "It'll be ok", but it won't really matter. True comfort will come from the only One whose breath restores the living. I'm still here either way, and I hope that stands for something.

How it is, to wish to give something to those that have given you everything. We'll just cross our fingers expecting they'll get back at least a trace of what they've let go.

moment

2007-01-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here trying to eat a weird diet muffin without leaving crumbs all over my desk/floor/room/clothes... and I am failing miserably. I should be doing something else right now, so I'll just leave you with the knowledge that you can not eat a muffin without crumbing up everything around you. But man, was that a good muffin!

To the living

2007-01-11T00:26:00.000-06:00

This is for all my X-Men brothers and sisters. All of us, strangers in this land, who living among the dead walk by the power that defeated death forever.

This is us.

Falling Up

2007-01-09T00:14:00.000-06:00

Where is the line between being moved in your emotions and being moved in your spirit?

I fear in my heart that sometimes I might only be seeking for emotions when my God longs for a spiritual worship.

There's something in my heart right now that I can hardly explain. I want to, and I'm trying so hard to, but I just can't seem to find the words.

Daddy, I need to need You...
I need to want You. Otherwise I can't go on.
I need to know that the one thing, the only thing that my heart desires and longs for with every breathing moment is You and only You.

I can't be just one more. I need to get there. There's so many things and options and it's all so overwhelming. I know I need to run to you but I seem to have forgotten how to use my legs.

So I'm laying here on the floor, brokenhearted and I don't even know why. I'm here before You, praying for only a small whisper of your thundering voice.

I don't know what's happening. I can't breathe right. I can't speak. I can't stop crying.

Speak to me father. Open my ears, open my eyes, open my heart. Teach me for I am willing to learn.

rise and shine, cold weather and jaja

2007-01-08T00:37:00.000-06:00

School starts in exactly eight hours... but I'm so awake it's ridiculous.

I want to write. I want to dance. I want to jump up and down. I want to finish Itzel's present. I want to clean up what is left to clean up of my room. I want to... I don't know.

Today was a good day, I guess. Unexpected things happened.

The first thing was that I actually woke up early today! I even had time to read and be a while in the morning before leaving for chuch... I pretty pretty please hope that tomorrow I can wake up as chipper and bright as I woke up today.

Then it was cold. Which is like the best thing ever. I love cold weather. When you get to wear sweatshirts and scarves and your hair down (ok, so that's only me... but I get really warm with my hair down!)

Then I rested and hung out with my mom and my brothers, had sushi (I'm re-starting the apple diet tomorrow... I seriously have to be more permanent and less permisive with EVERYTHING)

Then I went to the movies and theeen home.

Then I entered an alternate universe and talked to a version of myself almost 4 years later. It was cool. (wink, wink S.W. from A but living an hour and a half from N.O....... that was me discreetly hinting and hoping you'd get the shout out)

Now I'm just writing in my blog, sitting, listening to music, about to go write in my real life journal... heh. the one which you can't read, but it's ok, this one is far more entertaining... this one I write for your reading pleasure. (not really, but I tend to think it alot more than what I write about in the other one)

OOhh! and a dear friend of mine bought me really cute pj's from A&F that I love!! Thank you Pr.
Thank you God, today was a good day.

dreams of giants

2007-01-06T01:40:00.000-06:00

I had this sort of vision a few days ago...

I was standing in what seemed to be a wheat field... everywhere you looked, there was this amazing bright yellow wheat holding me with its glow. The wind was blowing softly but strong enough to make the wheat sway... it was like I was standing in the middle of a golden sea being caressed by the reflection of the waves.

Suddenly, right in front of me, this giant dressed in what I can only describe as a Goliath-esque armor began running towards me. His eyes, filled with a jealous zeal as he was pacing faster and faster. He held in his right hand a winnowing fork.

This giant was running, and right there, in that very moment, I knew that that giant was the Lord of hosts. And he was running in an almost complete frenzy. He was running for me...

He was defending me. He was jealously claiming my heart over. And with every sway of his winnowing fork he was making his way towards me.

As I stood there taken aback by the terrible beauty of the whole ordeal He was firmly whispering to my heart...

"I love you. With a zeal you do not understand nor do you comprehend. I want you. With an absurd passion. I desire you. With an intense devotion. You are mine... no one else's. You are mine and I am yours and I will fight for you forever."

You are beautiful

2007-01-03T13:42:00.000-06:00

I want to tell someone that she is beautiful, but I can't. I pray God does though

...

It takes standing on the sidelines of life and watching others play to understand how life is not about you. It's about you and Him, and He's the one holding the ball. You're the one just watching, smiling, knowing He'll win you over.

When I die, I want God to tell me that I loved Him all that I could've loved Him during my time here.

I don't want to die anytime soon though.

what I did today

2007-01-02T22:31:00.001-06:00

Today was a weird day. I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so this morning when my mom woke me up at 9 I felt like someone had hit me with a sack of potatoes on the head. Nevermind that I wanted to sleep, my brothers and I had a long-overdue breakfast date with my mom, so with all the might I could muster up I changed (three minutes before leaving the house at 10) and washed my face, brushed my teeth and proceeded to go out and eat delicious bocoles...

Then I came back home and began cleaning up my desk/drawers, since one of the walls of my room is my whole desk... it's hard to explain, but it is... so, right now everything I had in my drawers is all over my desk and I'm planning on cleaning it up later... then I saw this movie I'd been wanting to see for a while called "The squid and the whale"... the whole concept was interesting, but as much as it amuses me, it disgusts me that indie movies always have to revolve directly or very strongly in an indirect way around sex... I'm sure the world really is filled with all those things delt with in indie movies (or any other movie really)... but they don't inspire, they don't lift up... they bring you down with a smack of cruel reality and no hope to hold on to.

I want to make movies that inspire... yes, like those cheesy disni (heh, I know it's spelled disney) movies where someone has no leg and becomes amazing at something anyway... but I want to mix things up... the indie drama, the disni dreams and hopes... movies that lift up peoples souls, not bring them down.

Life is not made to be a greek tragedy. Humans were created to sing and dance, not necessesarily in a literal way, but their hearts, their hears really were made for that. Our hearts are made for that, but we're too busy thinking about ourselves that we can't realize that....

So anyway, the movie was good-bad... and then I had my last family meal at my grandmas with my cousin. She's leaving to Monterrey for college. Lots of stuff comes up on those family meals that make me realize how much I've changed in these past years and yet how much I have still to change in the next.

Then I came home, my desk-mess was still there, so I just took a shower and prayed for a while... I had this weird feeling though. I couldn't concentrate when I was reading my Bible, and I didn't really know what to say to God, so I just prayed in tounges for a while and fell asleep after a while... woke up and headed up to church for the prayer meeting.

Now I have to finish practicing my guitarl... so I'm leaving now. But I wrote! So that's good... and I took out everything that was in my car before it pilled up into a WHOLE lot of mess, so I'm glad about that.

I'm organizing my life this week, so I won't go out alot... which means I'll much likely write some more in the next few days.

So this is the new year, and I DO feel different, unlike Death Cab's lead singer

2007-01-01T14:07:00.000-06:00

The Almighty has deeply blessed me this morning.

I woke up and this song I've been listening to non-stop for the last two days was lovingly ringing in my head... Your love will not let me go, even when I try...over and over and over again, drums beating, bass line lingering in the background, soft voices lifting up inside my room, a whirlwind of heaven.

I've been reading someone else's blog for a couple weeks now. I don't know that person, and she certainly doesn't know I check her blog daily for updates. But she's inspired me in many ways.

When I was younger, I used to lay in my bed at night and imagine how my life would be with an older sister. Never an older brother or a younger sister, always an older sister. Throughout the years the person I would imagine to be my sister kept changing. She'd always be someone who I looked up to. Someone who I had seen do something extraordinary, as extraordinary as it can be for a seven year old. She was always someone real. Someone I knew from school, or church or just around. In my fantasy she'd hold my hand as I crossed the big streets, pick me up when I fell from my bike and chase off dogs when we'd go walking around the neighborhood. But then I grew up and stopped dreaming the impossible. Years later, God remembered me, and brought to life the impossible, giving me my very own older sister... (heh)

Yet this person whose blog I read reminds me of the "older sister" I used to dream of... I care for my real sister, as real as she can be I guess, as I would a blood related sister, and she cares for me the same way. But the blog girl, it's uncanny. She's quite a fitting projection of what I spent so many hours of my nights making up. She reminds me so much of myself in a more mature and discovered way, and as I read what she writes I come to recognize many of her thoughts as my own, although processed and refined of their rough edges. A beautiful person on the inside, her meditations reflect passion for God and a desire for a deeper knowledge of Him. Only 22 and a half years old, a couple months older than my own sister actually, but her words still convey the frailty and faith of a child's heart. I wish I could meet her.

...

I won't get tired of saying it: This year is going to be a great year. Mark my words, for my God responds to the truth in them... I need to get something to eat.

Oh, and this year, I plan on writing a whole lot more than I did last year. This time for myself thought.

...

Love is strong as death, never ceasing always yearning, reaching seeking after me

multiple ramblings

2006-12-30T00:39:00.000-06:00

Most of the time I have no clue as to where I'm going. It frustrates me, not knowing where I'm heading to. Troughout my life I've always had a plan. In any given time of my life, if you sat down with me and asked me about my future, I could very well spend the next three hours telling you how I was going to:

(not in a particular chronological order)
- Stop Eve from eating the apple and visit Jonas inside the whale... all with the help of a time machine I was convinced I would be able to invent
- Be an embassador in the UN and finally allow world peace to happen
- Be a novelist and write the next all-american/mexican novel
- Be a journalist and win two million pulitzer prizes
- Be a filmmaker and screen my movie at sundance, and who knows? maybe win an oscar
- Be a lawyer and defend the defendless
- Be an architect and build the eight wonder of the world
- Be a kindergarden teacher and shape really young minds
- Be a college professor and shape not so young minds
- Give the weather report and know how to use a barometer
- Broadcast the news and win everyone over with my personality
- Edit a newspaper and a magazine, because I'm cool like that
- Be a photographer and actually have money because of it
- Being a missionary in China smuggling Bibles through what I believed were real "underground" churches
...

I seriously would never finish this list if I could actually remember everything I've wanted to do...

But as it turns out, every time I thought I had my life all planned out, all the way down to the last dot, God would leave me planless... and there I was again, walking through roads I never quite fully understood.

Don't take this the wrong way. It's actually a good thing that God leaves me planless every time. He gives me a chance to do what I was made to do...

thinking about it gets me exited. The Bible says that God has things planned for me that even I have not imagined... and as you can see in my list above, I've imagined pretty amazing things for just one person... can you even begin to TRY and imagine where He's taking me? I know I can't, and every time I do, He'll just top me with something a bajillion times better.

on a completely different note.

This year was a hard year. It started off with a prayer that I remember like I prayed it yesterday... I asked God that this year be my year... All I know is that this year I came to harsh and truthfull realizations about myself. I saw things very differently, and it did not go as well as I had planned it to go... but then again, remember how my plans are never the one's He has... but still, I can hardly wait for the next year to get my real life going. My supernatural life.

Someone told me I had lost my faith...
Someone said I was kind of a fatalist...
My God says His mercies are new every morning...

But yeah, those three things are true. But this next year, you just wait and see... this next year will BE my year. I declare it over me, and I'm immortalizing it by publishing it online.

This next year I will grow older and younger. I will grow older and wiser in understanding and revelation of my Beloved. I will grow younger and naïver in my heart.

This next year I will be ready to face myself. I will recognize my areas of strenght and weakness. I will confront myself with the reality of me and be humble as to know I am not perfect.

This next year I will learn to love myself. I will take care of my body, my mind, my eyes, my hands and my spirit. Then I will be able to love others in the way I love myself.

This next year I will learn to honor those who honor deserve. I will respect my authorities and my peers. I will listen not only with my ears but with my heart.

This next year I will let go of my pride. I will quiet when I have nothing to say. I will speak when it is wise to do so. I will not see others below me, but set myself under everyone, serving with love and devotion.

This next year I will believe. I will know His word and live by it with my spirit, even when my soul does not want to believe it.

This next year I will dream. I will speak words of encouragement onto my own life and those around me.

This next year I will love. I will give myself to others the way He gave His life for me. I will aquire deeper revelation of His passion for me and love others like He has me.

This next year is a year of victory, of maturity and understanding.
It is a year of fire, perseverance and faithfulness.
A year of dancing in the river of His delight.

This next year is going to be His year in me.

....

broken glass in my arm

2006-12-13T22:42:00.000-06:00

My car window got smashed today... and my iPod got stolen.

The whole event was kind of surreal. When they first told me they had smashed my window I thought they maybe hit it and it was cracked or something. Never in my life would I have thought that they had actually stolen something from me. As I was walking towards the car, right by the girls bathroom It felt like I was starting to panick. I lifted my hands and combed my hair back while inhaling for dear life... a couple steps later the feeling was gone, and I distinctly remember having a smile on my face.

I finally got to where my car was. A couple friends were there staring at the remains of my car window. I walked up to the car and immediately looked to the back seat, because I knew I had so much stuff in the back seat that even I would've stolen it... but everything was there. My next impulse made me stare right at the little black bag where I keep my iPod, which was empty. It always is, I just leave it there so the back of the iPod won't get scratches... But still, my iPod wasn't on top of it. Right there I knew, inside of me, that my iPod was gone. However I still checked the chord to see if it was still attached to the iTrip. My guts kidded me not when I felt that my iPod was missing: The chord had been finely cut by a cutting thingy that made the stealing appeal so simple... except for the whole bursting my window into a hundred million little pieces of broken glass, one of which found it's way into my right arm.

The little piece of glass that cut me (it's not even a cut, it's just a weird bumpy thingy that hurts a bit) was probably the size of half a grain of sand... and writing about it now makes me realize that even the littlest things can hurt you.

After all those very lovely realizations, I was still not panicking. I was calm, and that smile I was telling you about still seemed to be hanging around my face.

I called my mom. Then my dad. Then cleaned the whole mess up... kinda. Now I have a broken window, and a stolen iPod.

But never once did I feel bad during the whole experience, not even when my parents were scolding me for not hiding my stuff in the car and being so irresponsible and etc. etc.

I can't help but wonder if it did bother me but I didn't show it... but after all the stress I've been going through these past weeks, it certainly didn't feel like it did bother me... I was calm. Relaxed. Even felt like I was enjoying the whole debacle at some points (just don't tell either of my parents).

However, I think the best part of my day was climbing on the highest part of the ladder and not feeling like I was going to fall.. Seriously, y'all should do that sometime soon. I know for sure, that I'm gonna do it again tomorrow... except I don't have a window to break this time... which is actually good, because tomorrow, I have nothing left to loose.

I'm swearing off 007's...

2006-12-11T23:51:00.000-06:00

I never thought watching a movie could break my heart. Much less a stupid James Bond movie.

If you haven't seen Casino Royale, don't read this, because there are spoilers.

She tried to make sense out of what had happened all the way back from the theater, but my heart didn't care about the sense the movie could make. I still wanted to cry. I still am crying.

Someone please explain to me why I am crying for a stupid STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!! James Bond movie... I certainly don't understand.

When I saw his expression on the screen, damn good actor I might say, I got blown away. Freaking blown away. I started shaking, not that I'll ever admit to it. My heart started pounding faster, my eyes began to water. My head hurt so bad trying to keep it all inside.

I know it's just a story. Just a story I tell myself. But the hurt still exists. If not for the loss of Bond, for the cracks in my own heart.

If I try to reason this out, it goes something like this:

Bond represents stone turned hearts everywhere. In me, in you, in everyone that's ever been bruised. Something made its way through the cold cement walls and began warming up whatever was left of the beat inside... But then, once the security and comfort settled in, what began as a joyous warming ran back outside like a sprinting lion, tearing down the walls as it found its way into the light. Breaking the heart all over again. Not only exposing the half burned muscle, but leaving it in a way that there's no possibility of reconstruction, even when the walls are build up once again.

It was not fair, but life is not fair, cliché very much intended.

So then, does it mean I can cry?

Yes.

But not because I cannot detach myself from the screen once set in front of me... I've always been good at letting go of movies, ask those who think they know me....

However, I wasn't good at that tonight. Even though I tried, I could not separate my own heart from Bond's... it broke, and the pieces fell and got shattered all over the ground... But unlike Bond, my heart has the opportunity for healing... and you know what else? It hurts me that there are people that don't get that opportunity.

I can because basically there's no escaping this. This time I'm letting it hurt, if not for the medicinal purposes HE's been guiding me through these past few days, because I really have no other option.

So be it, I tell myself... let us all weep blood tonight, not from the deceiving eye, but from the wounded, crimson heart, welcoming the healing.

change

2006-11-24T18:01:00.000-06:00

People don't change... But they can, they just don't because it's easier not to...

Am I going to change? I ask myself. Yes... It will not be easy. It will not be pleasant. It won't be fast nor noticeable. At least you won't think so... But it will be. It will be everything you wished for and more. It will be true and permanente if you give yourself in with all of your heart.

There are things you do because they tell you to. Not this. This is because you have no other option. You were made for this. Destined for this. In your heart, the depths of your heart, you know it is what it is. And you willingly give in. You let yourself stumble onto the darkness holding on to a promise of light. And surely: there it is. And you rejoice in the fact that those are the things you said you were made for. And that day: Today, you are there, and in your heart there was never any other option... sanctified.

Looking for Vienna

2006-10-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

There's something magical about having a song written with your name on it... but then there's the other magic in which a particular song describes you in such a perfect way that all you ever want to do is listen to that song. Unless of course it's a really depressing song or something tragical or desperate.

For me there's only one song. And what's even better is that I like the song, not only the lyrics. But the lyrics are the ones that take the cake away.

They talk about me right now. About life being something you're supposed to cherish and savor, not rush your way into. It speaks about dreams, plans and decisions. It talks about living.

So, here it is, my song:

Vienna by Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

and yep, that's pretty much all you could know about be... if you'd learn to see through the skins and layers.

I seriously plan on going to Vienna before I'm 25 or something.

thoughts about teaching

2006-10-17T00:14:00.000-05:00

It's always the things that remain unsaid that matter the most. I've decided to begin saying many of those unsaid things, and I won't bug people asking them to read. Whoever reads will read for a reason. I'm just going to write.

For many years I've wanted, contrary to what many friends and acquaintances might think, to be a teacher. The thing is, I believe that there is power in the art of teaching (yes, I will make an art out of everything I do... I guess it lets me believe then that what I'm doing has a chance to be beautiful)

---

I just dictionared "art".... which I've found to be:

the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power

---

I also believe that a teacher has the power to change a student’s life. He's a decision inducer, granted with the skill to alter every aspect in the heart and mind of their students. A teacher can make or brake. He can be one out of two things: some other guy or girl who can teach or he/she can choose to be an inspiration. Teachers always have the "extra mile" set before them, door wide open for them to step right through and make something out of their students.

The "magic" about all this is that it is true. Think about it. There's at least one teacher in your life that has defined you in more than one way. Someone that challenged you to bring out the best in you. More importantly, someone who believed. Believed in you, in the fact that you are not but what you choose to be, and someone who believed that you had it in you to make the right decisions. (that someone doesn’t necessarily have to have a degree in education)

I want to be that for kids… teenagers mostly. Kids no one else cares about. Kids facing life thinking there's no point for existence. Kids with a longing for something real in which to hold on to...

BUT... oh yes, there's always a but...

In order for me to be able to be that to others, I need to "turn my thoughts within and find myself" like my Oriental Express fortune cookie said once... Not because I can find anything relevant IN me, but because I need to determine who I am and what I believe... otherwise I can't help people find their own way.

For the last two years, I've been determined to find out who I am. Because I believe that who I am makes who I'll be... not in the sense that I'm doomed and whatever mess I'm in right now, there's no fixin'... more like I know if I find out who I am, who I really am, who I was MADE to be, I will be able to live that way... And boy have I messed up in the process. There are days where I think there's no possible manner in which I can be made right again... then comes amazing grace and saves me from myself. The fatalist. The dreamer who sometimes gets lost in her own dreams. Nightmares really, but whatever. (you see!? that's what I was referring to with the fatalist)

Anyways. Finding myself has been a process I'm not yet through understanding... I don't really think I've begun to understand what all that implies. But I think that in the middle of all the FREAKING mess I've made, there's a way out...

(Isn't it amazing, my ability to ramble on about so much and so little? That happens when I want to say so much but most of the time say nothing)

I truly believe God is the answer, as clichéd and trite that might sound. However, God being the answer does not mean that "the answer" is easy to comprehend and grip... Nooo, not a chance. Part of the beauty of God being "the answer" is something I heard someone say before (and its biblical) "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the glory of a king to find it out."

So made kings and empresses, lords and princesses we set out... more like, I set out, to find the glory God concealed in me.

Whenever I find it, or during the time I find bits and pieces of it, I will then be able to pass it on. Hoping to inspire the hearts of others to search the glory of God hidden in them... that glory which will tell them where they belong: side by side... of The Almighty Lover of our souls.

That, among other things is why someday I want to be a teacher.

by Your side

2006-10-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

You find me here as I am dying, laying in my own blood
and as you gaze upon me You speak words of eternity saying
Live, young one, live.

And a breath of life dances into me,
rising me up from my grave.
Then I am standing, dripping in crimson stains

I feel dirty, yet Your eyes are still upon me
drinking in my unrecognizable beauty, gently stripping me from my weakness filling me up with your light

You hold out your hand to me, my eyes meet the wounds in your palms.

and I find myself needing You more than I need air... so I stretch out my own hand and hold onto Yours. You won't let me fall.

Tears slide down my cheeks, for I cannot stand here with you and not be moved by you

And I am where I need to be.

101 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

2006-09-23T15:33:00.000-05:00

I turn 19 right now... heh. It's like one in the morning and I'm trying to fix some stupid video thingy on my laptop. I started thinking a bit and decided to write this entry, in honor of this being my first day as more of an adullt. They're not in any specific order.

1. Buy a vespa
2. Own a hotel
3. Direct a (real) movie, music video, documentary
3. Write a book.
4. Publish said book.
5. Live in New York for at least 6 months of my life.
6. Study in the United States (at least for a summer or something)
7. Travel by plane by myself. (doesn't matter if I meet someone later)
8. Get married
9. Have kids
10. Graduate from college
11. Record some sort of cd
12. Cut my hair really short
13. Go diving
14. Go skydiving
15. Go on a road trip in which I drive. (preferably further than a three hour trip)
16. Travel all over the world because of my ministry
17. Have a cell phone and not break it
18. Meet someone famous I really want to meet
19. Write my interview compillation
20. Convince my whole family to change to macs
21. Be like John
22. Graduate Magna Cum Laude
23. Reach my ideal weigh
24. Get a tattoo (designed by me)
25. Get my nose or lip pierced
26. Own a brand new gray Range Rover
27. Be able to run for an hour straight
28. Join a real soccer team (and actually play)
29. Join a real baseball/softball team (and actually play)
30. See my kids grow
31. See my disciples grow
32. Sing a song I wrote for my best friend at her wedding
33. Write that song. And a whole bunch of other songs
34. Go to both of my brother's weddings
35. Are you kidding? I didn't think it would take all that long to write 100 things
36. Pilot an airplane
37. Join the mile high club with my hubby (shuttup)
38. Stop biting my nails
39. Sing and play at a real concert
40. Lead a (preferably teenager) worship team
41. Go intern at IHOP
42. Go to some sort of film school or course
43. Travel to the little hotel I saw in the American Express travel book
44. Ride an elephant. In Africa.
45. Re-learn how to play the drums
45. Learn to sing (better)
46. Go to Thailand
47. Study german
48. Preach in Germany (see the above)
49. Define my dressing style
50. Organize a huge concert (where they sell cool t-shirts)
51. Go to a concert. But nothing pop, real indie music, where they appreciate the music, not the "show"

En honor a abraham que me acaba de hablar por telefono para felicitarme por mi cumpleaños, me detengo para decirle que lo quiero mucho, que es todo un chilanguito con su "venga, venga" y que espero disfrute mi extensa lista que me he tardado mucho en hacer.

52. (Talking to Abraham made me remember this entry) Go to a Sundance Film Festival, at least once
53. Wear my Burberry trench coat on a regular basis
54. Fix the stupid update on my computer so I can watch Diego be all cute and funny
55. See Diego again, regularly.
56. Have a very professional production studio... with macs and many screens and the little network thingies that I can't remmember their names because my brain is numb. But have one like the ones they have on the "pro-profiles" on apple.com
57. Have the original Final Cut Pro Studio software
58. See the aurora borale, in at least two places of the world
59. Drink irish beer, in an irish pub, during the fall
60. Own an extensive collection of LP records and actually have heard them all
61. Go to Hillsong College for a summer production program
62. Study at NYU
63. Intern in a magazine (nothing about cars, technology or anything)
64. "Backpack" through Europe with my friends
65. Be able to refer to God as the God in whose prescence I abide
66. Eat caribou again
67. Go to "Entercout", or something like that, in Toronto
68. Wear supper skinny jeans (skinny does not precisely mean tight!)
69. Cook a delicious gourmet meal for a large amount of people
70. Travel by plane on First Class
71. Always have a double portion
72. Remain as an unshaken, whole-hearted and relentless worhshipper, singing a new song everyday from the depths of my heart
73. Write real poetry
74. Intern at IHOP for at least a summer track
75. Not be offended
76. Write for the New York Times
77. Take photography classes
78. Have one of my pictures in a magazine
79. Write editorials for some magazine
80. Go skiing again
81. Learn to walk in high heels
82. Bike to Mcallen
83. Have a golf kart
84. Have a dog again (and have him live inside my house)
85. Be a lover (not that kind!)
86. Buy a new Jeep Wrangler for my mom
87. Take my dad to Africa
88. Go fly fishing and wear the cool jumpsuit and all that
89. Learn how to use Final Cut Pro, Flash and Photoshop
90. Fix my record player
91. Go to Disneyland Paris
92. Learn how to apply makeup
93. Go to London
94. Know His secrets
95. See my grandkids
96. See all my close friends get married and have their kids and their ministrys and jobs and be all happy
97. See His promises for my family come true.
98. Go on the dare-devil ride thingy again
99. Memorize a really large portion of the Bible
100. Meet my husband and marry him
101. Be a God chaser forever and ever.

So. It only took like a week to get this done, but it's done! These are just random things. Some are really important. Some are not. But they are all things I would love to do or see or get or understand before I die... so, enjoy knowing a bit more about me.

Banda sonora: uno a nueve... Ahí comenzó todo.

2006-09-06T19:40:00.000-05:00

Mi infancia... esta parte del soundtrack de mi vida va a ser el mas desconocido (creo) ya que las canciones o tendencias que me definen so, obvio, viejillas... Aparte no recuerdo así que digamos mucho mucho, asi que solamente voy a poner lo que más recuerdo...

1. Kenny Rogers (1-3 años)

No recuerdo absolutamente nada de Kenny Rogers ni de su música. Sin embargo, Kenny Rogers fue mi primer encuentro amoroso con la música (de alguna manera). Segun historias de mi mamá, Kenny Rogers, o más bien "Kenny Rollo" como yo le decía, era mi máximo... Ahora, lo curioso de este amorío, es que no creo que tuvo mucho que ver con la música, ya que una vez fuimos encontrados, El Cd de Kenny Rogers y yo... ¡besándonos en el closet! Ahora, yo no se que clase de persona es ese Cd, pero què pantalones de irse a andar besando con una niña de tres años. Lo interesante de Kenny Rogers es su terrible parecido con Santa Claus y el hecho de que en como 20 años no aparenta haber envejecido ni UN año...

2. "Cuá-Cuá" - Las Payasitas Ni Fu Ni Fa (4-6 años)

Esta canción tiene la mejor letra jamás creada por músicos o expertos del entretenimiento:

Ki ki ki, co co co, guru guru guru guru gu cuá cuá!

¿Qué niña de cinco años no va a pasar horas de diversión repitiendo eso? Por lo menos yo me entretenía, y hasta ahorita me acuerdo de la canción.

Cuando me acuerdo de esta canción, me veo sentada en la RAM Charger que teníamos, manejando (no yo, obvio... aunque dejenme decirles que desde que recuerdo, acostumbraba soñar que yo manejaba) hacia el campestre. Estoy sentada en el asiento de enmedio y vamos pasando por el parque de la Sierra Morena. En mi mente, mientras estoy escuchando esa canción y viendo el parque, me imagino una fiesta infantil y una granja... (el resto de la cancion dice algo asi como "la gallina cantando asi: ki ki ri ki ki ki... y viene el perro ladrando asi co co ro co co co"... lo se, los perros no le hacen co co, pero no se que animales eran y la letra está dificil de encontrar en internet) Lo que más me gusta de la música es que me lleva a lugares. Siento la canción y puedo cerrar los ojos y crear todo un mundo alrededor de ella. Y todo empezó con la gallína que ki ki ri keaba...

3. "Chonita tiene un cotorro" - Compendios de Cri-Cri (5-7)

Creo que Cri-Cri también tiene mucho que ver con el hecho de que para mí, toda canción es una historia y tiene un secreto o algo detrás de ello. Cri-Cri casi siempre contaba un cuento o algo asi en sus canciones. Esta canción se trataba de una niña que se llamaba Chonita y tenía un cotorro que era orgullo de su corazón (o algo así) y este cotorro era lo máximo... pero creo que un día le arrancó el dedo... ok, no... esa fui yo. Y creo que también ese es parte del atractivo de la canción. Porque cuando yo tenía como 2 años le metí el dedo a la jaula de un cotorro de una tía... el cotorro me ARRANCÓ BESTIALMENTE la yema del dedo indice... mi mamá dice que no saqué el dedo de la jaula. (creo que eso tiene que ver con el hecho de que aveces quiero creer que nada me duele) y porfin me lo sacaron. Agarraron el pedazo de yema totalmente despegado de mi dedo, lo lavaron con agua y jabón y me lo "pegó" con UHU... jajajja no... pero si me lo puso encima del dedo otra vez, y lo vendó... Para la mañana siguiente, ya tenía mi dedito completo otra vez. El chiste es que creo que en mi mente yo me relacionaba de alguna manera con Chonita. Ah! Ya me acuerdo, el cotorro creo que le decía cosas bonitas a Chonita o algo asi... pero bueno, esa fue la siguiente canción.

4. "You've Got a Friend" - Carole King (7-9)

Mi mamá fue la primera en inculcarme al grandioso mundo de la música. Ella toca la guitarra IMPRESIONANTEMENTE bien, pero no lo sabe. Es raro, porque cuando tiene que tocar algo no le sale, pero cuando lo siente o lo tiene dentro de ella, le sale padrísimo y puede hacer unos arpejeos increibles... En fin. Mi mamá siempre ha sido grandemente influenciada por la música, y me pasó ese gen. Cuando era chiquita, se sentaba en mi cama y las dos cantabamos hasta que me durmiera. Me acuerdo que se ponía a tocar y yo cantaba... hacía mis improvs y le cantaba a mi Dios. Una de las canciones que más me gustaba que me cantara era esa.

Con su voz grave y llena de pasión por la vida, me cantaba: "When you're down and troubled, and need some love and care. And nothing, oh nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me, and soon I'll be there. To brighten up, even your darkest night. You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running to see you again... Winter, spring, summer or fall... all you've got to do is call. And I'll be there ohh, you've got a friend"

Y para mí no había nada mejor que escucharla tocar esa guitarra y cantar esa canción..

Another brick in tha wall?

2006-08-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

Aveces así me siento....

(the picture/feeling idea was taken by sunshine)

Fire pages

2006-08-24T16:28:00.001-05:00

I will read ashes for you, if you ask me.
I will look on the fire and tell you from the gray lashes
And out of the red and black tongues and stripes,
I will tell how fire comes
And how fire runs far as the sea.

- Carl Sandburg, Fire Pages

Próximamente

2006-08-24T14:26:00.000-05:00

Después de mucho pensar, porfin decidí, que sí voy a escribir la entrada que se va a títular: "El soundtrack de mi vida" (en español completo sería "La banda sonora de mi vida" pero suena medio naco, ¿no creen?)

entonces. ¡espérenla! va a estar interesante

My heart: Reminiscing

2006-08-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

Es un poema basado en las canciones "Worlds Apart" y "Portrait of an Apology" de Jars of Clay y parte son fragmentos sacados de las mismas canciones... lo esscribí en el 2000

Look what I have done. The picture I painted, looks like my heart, or what still remains.

Before, subsisting in obscurity, in the unknown. I feel convinced of the importance of your interpretations and perspective, thought they are not what they seem, I wish they could be. Them being so ludicrous. The intensity of your profoundness of the situation, is very vague. My previous philosophies, sumptuously consuming the inner me, and the outer world of my being.

To satiate my own desires. To accomplish my dreams. To live in a world of me, surrounded by thoughts of selfishness, yet wanting to give. Not understanding the condition, of the many things… spinning, turning, circling, making my head go round, the sullen mood of a world, not identifying its cause.

You scrutinized my actions, carefully looking. Investigating. Examining it. Never seeming to leave me. Always standing by my side. Your valor to never give up on me, has inspired nothing but trust, nothing but confidence, nothing but love.

And my heart. My heart, it used to be less redder, less brighter, until You came along, and gave it a new color. You brightened it all up. Somehow it all adds up correctly.

Before I could soar like an eagle, on pride’s egotistical wings, You came and lavishly filled me up. With dreams and new faith, of a new life, a new home. And as aggravating as it is, to try so hard to leave behind, the ways I once knew and lived upon. Helping me to rid myself of all but love, to learn to give, and die. To turn away and not become. Subsequent from the stimulus to go on, persist and self-effacingly live a life. A life to meditate on Your love and Your grace.

Try to imagine this. All thought I try to explain, look at the way that the frame doesn't quite fit the image or surround the edge.” But life in You doesn’t need an explanation, doesn’t need a rational justification. Let’s call it as it is. And… as it is, you are, you’ll be…

My heart, steadfast and strong, stands on display, What do you see? Behold all the new colors, what's become of the old me.

All this veritable. All this true. And the beauty of this all, is that Your ineffable glory, shines bright and cries loud in my life. Waxing, growing, each day, one inch at a time. As I reminisce the old memories, of those painful days. All said and done, I no longer stand alone. Amongst remains of a life I don’t not own.
But the owner, why should I need more? No longer will wistful memoirs invade the day, and that smile You placed on my face, shall forever subsist, even in a world filled with tears. My reliance on Your care is infinite, and although sometimes I might fail, I might doubt, I might want to quit. It is Your love that pulls me through, and keeps me standing through the day.

A yoke of heart, maintains me alive. And so as I look beyond the empty cross, and forget what my life has cost, as I wipe away the crimson stains, together we dull the nails that still remain. Lethal battle between grace and pride. I pray “Serve the ones I despise, and speak those words I won’t deny. Lacerate the arrogance amongst my life, reiterate those actions I so venerably admire.”

So much as you cannot tolerate my sin, you give me a second chance every time, and always keep an eye on me. Discerning my hearts desire, to give and not expect in return, trying to beat my self-interested heart. Knowing You will hold my hand until the end. Guess what? That is no longer part of my life. Those days in which You changed me, Oh God, I recall with such delight. My former vindictive spirit, has been removed from my days. And Lord I am so thankful, for the new life you gave.

into the twists and tangles. rambles.

2006-08-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

He querido escribir tanto por tanto tiempo pero no lo he hecho, que ahora que sí quiero escribir (y que "tengo tiempo", which is retarded really because I do have time, I just suck at managing it) no se de qué escribir. Makes sense?
----

Most of the time you think you have yourself all figured out, when really, you spend so much time and effort hiding yourself that when you want to take a look back inside, the way to your heart is so twisted and tangled, you can barely breathe.

Barely breathing. That's actually an interesting subject for a quick flashback...

Five years ago, a dear friend told me that she had prayed to God something weird. She asked God that she could need Him more than she needed air, and that whenever she wasn't looking for Him, she could feel like she would if she stopped breathing.

A week later, she started complaining about shortness of breath.

... so, back to the subject.

When you finally get a glimpse of what is behind the twists and tangles, you're in for a big surprise. You had it all wrong. They were right. But it doesn't really matter... He was right. So, now what are you going to do? Which is basically the important question. What are you going to do?

What am I going to do?

Once He starts showing you behind the curtain, if you don't step up and challenge yourself to go through that particular curtain, you won't ever get to see the curtain that's behind.
I personally think you should. Or at least I should. Step up and challenge, that is.

There's this quote another friend gave me once in a letter she wrote to me. There's only two important letters I've lost. That one is one of those.

"Todo cambio atemoriza, en especial aquellos que soñamos con realizar. No hay garantías, solo la ilusión de alcanzar lo que deseamos. Cada paso es un salto al vacio pero tambien a la posibilidad de realización."

I hold on to that when I find myself before a twist or tangle. Then I venture in, hoping against all odds that I'll find my way.

He always gets me.

La princesa (version inedita)

2006-06-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

Erase una vez una princesa. Esta era una princesa hermosa, que había heredado la hermosura y sabiduría de su padre. Tenía un cuarto hermoso, pero la princesa no quería salir. Ella creía que si abría la puerta y salía, alguien la podría lastimar o hacer algún daño. Pasaron los años, y algunas veces se escuchaba a personas pasar fuera de la puerta, sin embargo, la princesa nunca abría: No vaya a ser que fuera a ser lastimada.

Pasaron más años y la princesa empezó a creer que algo estaba mal. Se sentía protegida tras los muros de su cuarto, pero ella sabía: algo estaba mal. Pasaron más años, y alguien tocó la puerta. La princesa realmente dudó si debía abrir o no. Temía salir y que algo terrible pasara. Tras pensarlo detenidamente, decidió no abrir.

Pasaron más años, y la princesa murió. Fue un día muy triste, y la princesa fue enterrada en el jardín trasero del palacio, que nunca llegó a conocer.

Lo triste de esta historia, no es que la princesa no quisiera salir, sino que al no abrir la puerta por miedo a salir y enfrentarse con dolor y dificultad afuera, no se dio cuenta que al nadie pudo entrar y así conocerla y ver cómo era.

Y así murió la princesa. Sin descubrir que había todo un mundo que conocer allá afuera. Sin dejar que nadie descubriera que había todo un mundo dentro de su cuarto. Dentro de ella.

Blogmania

2006-06-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

He tenido varias ideas para escribir en el blog, pero cada vez que me siento a escribir siempre encuentro algo mejor que hacer (je) asi que en realidad este es solamente un post para aquellos que todavía leen el blog, que no quiero lo dejen de leer porque nunca lo updateo.

ok, es mas, aquellos que gustan de perder tiempo leyendo blogs o cosillas interesantes, les recomiendo mis dos blogs favoritos:

www.pamie.com

www.dooce.com

El primero es el blog de una escritora que vive en Los Angeles. A ella me la "topé" mientras leía recapitulaciones de programas en televisionwithoutpity.com. Su blog básicamente habla de ella y de su vida. Literalmente. Tiene un estilo de escritura muy, ¿como les explicaré? pues ligero en el sentido que se siente como si estuvieran platicandote algo en persona, pero es muy transparente en sus escritos de manera que puedes ver su sentir sobre el tema que está tratando. Aveces es muy chistosa... la palabra adecuada, en realidad para ambos blogs que mencioné es "snarky" que seria una especie de sarcasmo/chiste/no-sarcastico... jajaja... eso me lleva al segundo blog.

El segundo blog es de una señora que vive en Utah, la capital de los mormones. Tiene una hija HERMOSA sobre la cual escribe frecuentemente y también pone videos de su hija haciendo troncadas hermosas. Lo divertido de está señora es su estilo, porque es muy directa y no tiene pelos en la lengua. Exhibe su manera de vida de una manera muy abierta (digo, dentro de lo que cabe) y lo hace con un estilo increible, porque detalla las cosas más sencillas de una manera entretenida, y generalmente me hace reir.

Ahora. Oscar R los leyó dos o tres veces, y no le gustaron mucho. Sin embargo, esos blogs son para aquellos que gustan de tener uno o dos, o tres... jeje. blogs que leen seguido, como si estuvieran viendo una serie. El tema a tratar puede ser diferente pero siempre es alrededor de la misma historia, y tiene secuencia y conoces a los personajes, te haces de favoritos y de aquellos que nomas no te caen. Simpatizas con ellos, te ries con ellos, aveces te dan ganas de llorar con ellos (because actually doing it would be lame. shuttup I have not cried!).

Bueno. Los dejo hasta la próxima.

City blues

2006-06-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes driving around the city breaks my heart. ..

As much as I enjoy driving, and as much as I enjoy people watching. There are times when it can be too much.

The look on a woman's face.
The grasp of a child's hand.
The smile on two lovers' lips.
A flower.

Lights, and cars, and sounds and music.

But it's just for a brief moment, when in all the flashes and glimpses, that I can see what really lies inside.

The lost look on a woman's face that cries for an unknown Love that's just waiting for her.
The fragile grasp of a child's hand, secured at his father's side. So young, yet so shattered and beaten.
The fighting smile on two lovers' lips, deep inside each others embrace, dying, trying to reach an everlasting.
A flower. A single flower, being torn by the wind.

Lights, and cars, and sounds and music. The loudest most softest music.
Composed by the comers and the goers. You can't hear it unless you listen closely.

And as the music dances in the air, it breaks my heart. A Million little pieces. Broken. And driving around the city is just not what I want to do today.

comments

2006-05-27T08:57:00.000-05:00

ya sirven los comments! perdon, los tenia deshabilitados!!!

bueno, los dejo y luego en la noche escribo algo de verdad

Today almost felt like sunday.

2006-05-15T16:53:00.000-05:00

Last week I found out that sunday was the first day of the week, rather than the last day of the week. That was a shocker. I've lived my whole life thinking that sunday was the last day. Maybe that's why I hate sundays, rather than loving them.

The thing is, sunday has always been a weird day. Now mondays, those are the days. I mean, c'mon. Who doesn't love beginnings? There's no better thing than knowing His mercies are new every morning. And psychologically, it's easy to transfer a new chance to every new beginning. So for me, sunday ment an end, monday ment a beginning.

It's like this, see...

First day of school: new year, new opportunity to be the smart person you know you are but have been too lazy to be.

First day of the year: it's time to finally do everything you said you would do last year.

First day of any vacation: the day you'll rest the most.

First day of your "next" year (birthday): again, it's time to be and act like someone older.

So today, I was getting into my car after lunch with my dad, when suddently it felt weird. The sun was shining; it was warm, but not terminally hot. Sky semi-clouded. Beautiful reflection in the car window. But, it felt like sunday. I started to panic, so I checked my internal calendar, and then it felt right again: It was not sunday, it was monday.

For all I know, it could've been sunday. But here's the thing. There's no othe day like sunday.

But now that I know that sunday's the first day of the week, maybe that'll make some things different.

Pérdidas de tieeeeeeeee....mpo!

2006-05-13T00:13:00.000-05:00

Todos los días quiero escribir, pero siempre que me siento a escribir siento que va a ser una perdida de tiempo. Ya es tarde, y mañana a las 6 de la mañana voy a llevar a mi mamá al aeropuerto. Ahorita estoy viendo videos en VH1...

nueva mejor voz: Corinne Bailey Rae (bajen la de "Put your record on") es una canción basicamente jazz. Imaginense una mezcla de Norah Jones, Nelly Furtado y un toque de Macy Gray. Se que no suena tan interesante, pero es una combinación de voces muy suave y diferente. Por lo menos para la musica de hoy en día.

Bueno, regresando al tema. Siempre siento que escribir es una perdida de tiempo, aunque me gusta muchísimo. Creo que es como cuando leo. O como cualquier cosa con la que pierdo tiempo en realidad. Me meto tanto en lo que estoy leyendo, o escribiendo, que puedo dejar de hacer todo lo demás, por más importante que sea, solamente para quedarme leyendo o escribiendo.

El problema está realmente en mi inhabilidad de priorizar y organizarme. Pierdo el tiempo con cosas tontas, y cuando quiero hacer algo que me gusta y que sería "provechozo" (ej. leer o escribir) no lo hago, porque ya perdí demasiado tiempo en la computadora o haciendo la nada.... jajaja. Me entienden?

jajajaajajja.. freddie prince jr. se acaba de quedar sin pelo.

Bueno, realmente tengo que dedicar un día de estos a escribir algo interesante. Lo prometo.

victory

2006-05-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

11:16 pm... victory!!

No puedo ni empezar a expresar lo contenta que estoy por cómo nos fue en el trabajo que presentamos hoy. Aparte del estupendo dolor de cabeza que tengo, tengo ganas de brincar y correr y gritar y disfrutar del hecho que *insert victory dance here* nos fue bien!!

ok. ya no puedo mas. los dejo, me voy a acabar una tarea express de geografía y DORMIREEEEEEEE!!!! wuju!!

luego les platico que pasó con todo el bisnes

Wilderness Prayer

2006-05-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

Oh Jesus, my Jesus,
True Friend of my heart,
true Lover of my soul, My heart is hurting.
My soul is aching.
All that I have ever been,
All of my "beauties" falling, falling to the ground.
The goodness, the righteousness,
The good intentions and "right" motives,
Dropping layer by layer...
Leaving behind one that I do not even know or recognize...
The Lover of my love strips me
And as the hidden things are uncovered
And the exterior beauties taken,
I am not what I thought I was.
I know it is by Your hand that I am stripped.
Though it hurts immensely,
I recognize it as a Love deeper than my heart has ever known
Taking away what will not stand
That He might crown me with His true beauty
And clothe me in His robes.
Truly, I am not the one that I thought myself to be.
They ask me "then who is the one who comes?"
I look only to Your eyes and say,
"She is nothing but what He alone speaks her into being.
His words alone hold within the essence of who she is. She is His.
Do not look upon me, for I am dark.
Please see only Him. He is the beautiful. He is the pure."

- escrito por: Dana Candler

No soy

2006-05-03T19:31:00.000-05:00

porque serlo no me permitiría ver que no soy nada.
porque serlo no me permite ver que no soy nada.

entonces: no soy

arduo trabajooooh!

2006-05-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

en gran honor a la perdida de tiempo que sufrimos en casa de paola. re-re-comienzo mi blog!! *insert victory dance here*

bueno. es mi máxima intención poder escribir aquí seguido... (aqui lleva acento? es que en esta cosa no hay corrector automático, entonces me da flojera poner acentos... asi k si me faltan, lo siento)

Bueno. Es Lunes, son las 2:30 de la tarde. Estamos trabajando en una platica para la red, falta nomas Daniel porque esta en Mcallen, comprandome mis vans, en contra de mi deseo de que APOYEN A NUESTROS COMPATRIOTAS los imigrantes que estan en estados unidos... pero bueno, ni que hacer.

Ya estamos semi avanzados en la platica. Lucer nos ayudo explicandonos como hacerlo con un tema hipotetico que coincidentemente era el mismo que acababamos de escoger... asi que nos sentamos todos alrededor de la lap a ver a Lucero decirnos como los de la red de Lore le hacian para hacer sus platicas, y cada que decía algo mas que estabamos haciendo, se escuchaban los gritos de victoria y alivio en casa de Paola.... confirmación divina, por decirlo de alguna manera. No hay mayor satisfacción, (bueno, estoy exagerando pero es una satisfacción grande) que ver que lo que pensabas que quería Dios que hiciera se vea confirmado... no importa si a la mera hora se va a cambiar todo, algo se aprende de lo primero... asi como aprendimos del desastre conocido como "primera platica hecha por el grupo completo de itzel"...

en fin... es lunes, no hay clases. vamos a tener red hasta las 7:20, lo cual es genial porque me da tiempo de hacer tarea and such antes de la red... lo mejor de esta semana es que el viernes tampoco hay clase... lo cual significa que de cuatro clases de física, unicamente vamos a tener dos... *insert victory dance here*

Bueno, es suficiente para hoy... realmente espero poder volver a escribir pronto... no se sorprendan si a la mera hora no vuelvo a escribir sino hasta como en tres meses...

ciao! (en mi vida he dicho eso, pero bueno, en honor al re-re-comienzo!)

Monsoon season

2005-10-05T20:01:00.000-05:00

El clima en Tampico estos dos últimos días ha sido de lo más extraño. No se como le hace para estar tan caliente y así, de la nada, empezar a llover como si fuera el fin del mundo. Cada vez que llueve me da un impulso fugaz de correr a algún lugar abierto y tirarme en el suelo y sentir la lluvia caer. Es mas, si vuelve a llover entre ahorita y las 10, prometo hacerlo. Pero tal vez no me tire al suelo…

Esta no es lluvia normal. Es lluvia escandalosa... Ahora, no has visto (oido) nada hasta que no estas en la tiendita... para empezar, es una casita de madera, de unos 10x4 metros, tiene dos ventanas bastante grandes, pero sólo esta abierta una, y la puerta. Ahora, el techo. El techo está hecho de lámina, y si estas adentro, y volteas a ver el techo, vas a ver una serie de PICOS! asesinos (clavos)... Bueno, ahora imagínense esto. Estas parado adentro de la casita, tranquilamente platicando de La Realidad (heh), cuando de repente empieza a llover, antes de que te des cuenta, la lluvia esta TAN fuerte, que podrías jurar que va a perforar el techo, y hace mas ruido que si agarraras un martillo y te pones a pegarle a la tapa de un carro. Ahora, te puedo apostar, que es lo más cerca que alguien puede estar a sentirse adentro del arca de Noe. (Agrégale estar atendiendo a 30 niños de secundaria hambrientos, and it’s the most entertaining thing ever)

En fin. El clima esta raro, y supuestamente viene un frente frio. Del cual no veo mas que el rumor, porque cada vez que empieza a hacer vientecito se viene un calor del nabo. Para acabarla de amolar, el carro que traía (ya está mi camioneta!) no tenía aire acondicionado. Pero todo se compensa cuando estoy sentada en mi cuarto y empieza a llover. Y por unos minutos, mientras veo como llueve, todo se para. And life's not that bad today. Porque me mandó lluvia.

The Return of the Blog!

2005-10-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

Ocio = internet.
Me encontré con mi blog, y leí lo que escribí hace tiempo... y me gustó! Ahora, decidi volver a escribir, de vez en cuando.

No se me ocurre nada interesante que escribir. Pero tengo que hacer El Regreso del Blog algo conmemorativo. Acutalmente, debería de estar haciendo mi tarea de filosofía, que es un resumen del taoismo (eso del yin y el yang), pero esto se ve mucho más interesante.

Bueno, la verdad si tengo que hacer mi tarea, entonces nadamas es un aviso de que regreso a mis andanzas de escribir en el internet. Vamos a ver si con mis propósitos de año nuevo, que sigo cumpliendo (sorprendentemente en su mayoría), puedo seguir escribiendo.

Mañana es mi "día libre", asi que voy a escribir algo interesante!

El más allá está más cerca de lo que pensába

2005-07-27T15:55:00.000-05:00

Como estudiante, los años de mi vida no se dictan por un contéo regresivo desde el 12, terminando en abrazos y besos y cohetes y luces y luego una desvelada. Los años de mi vida se dictan de acuerdo a mi entrada y salida a clases.

Conclusión: faltan cuatro días para el año nuevo.

Ahora, ¿qué tiene esto que ver con el blog? bueno, pues es hora de volver a establecer prioridades. Es hora de hacer mis "propósitos de año nuevo", pero conforme pasan los años, esas metas y propósitos van encaminados a cosas más duraderas que solo sobrevivir el próximo año. Estas prioridades determinan lo que uno hace y deja de hacer. Te impulsan a esforzarte cada vez más. Te mantienen a flote, te llevan a donde quieres llegar. Desafortunadamente, este blog no es una de ellas. Por lo tanto, esta es mi última entrada. El más allá estuvo más cerca de lo que pensaba. Fue divertido mientras duró. No significa que voy a dejar de escribir (for those of you who care), pero sí significa que ustedes no lo van a poder leer aqui. Asi que, muchas gracias a todos los que leyeron y dejaron sus comments! los amo... a casi todos, a menos que no te conozca... which would just be weird. Pero bueno. Adios!

¿Final felíz?

2005-07-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

Chronicles of Narnia: 2/7 completado
The Ragamuffin Gospel: 1/3 completado
Life of Pi: terminado

Ok. Life of Pi. Primero déjenme decirles que el libro esta padrísimo. Todo lo que dije acerca de él en el post pasado, lo sigo meneando (para aquellos que no entiendan, meneando significa "I mean it"). Ahora, esto fue un tanto decepcionante para mí, pero lo que aprendí leyéndolo sigue siendo lo mismo.

Estaba casi absolutamente convencida de que la historia que estaba leyendo era verdadera. Pude haber apostado dinero en base a esa afirmación. ¿Lección aprendida? Me creo casi todo lo que me digan. Ahora, letting ourselves get past that... Resulta que no, el chavo no estuvo con un tigre. Resulta que no, tampoco estuvo con un orangután. Ni con una hiena. Ni con una zebra. Ni el libro es en ninguna manera verdadero. De todos modos, les voy a acabar de platicar.

Después de 287 días perdido en el océano Pacífico, su barca encalló en la cosa te Jalisco, México. Para esto, estuvo un tiempo encallado en una isla constituida completamente de algas. Las algas, en la noche soltaban una sustancia ácida que quemaba todo lo que la estuviera tocando. En la isla solamente vivían unos tipo de hurones, millones de ellos. Antes de llegar a la isla, Pi (el nombre del chavo) se quedó ciego temporalmente debido a algo raro que le paso en los ojos. Durante su tiempo como ciego, débil y delirando, su barca se topó con la de otro náufrago. Un francés, que extrañamente también estaba ciego en esos momentos. Ese francés le contó que había matado a un hombre y una mujer. Luego, el francés se subió a la barca de Pi, solamente para ser comido por el tigre, que no lo reconoció. Muerto el francés llego a la isla de algas, en donde estuvo algunas semanas, primero durmiendo en la barca, y luego en las copas de los árboles junto con los semi-hurones. Ahí fue cuando se dio cuenta que la isla de algas soltaba el ácido y quemaba todo lo que la tocara. Asustado e indignado con la condición carnívora de la isla, se regresó a la barca (con todo y tigre) y de ahí fue cuando llegó a México.

Llegando a México, lo entrevistaron unos trabajadores japoneses de la empresa del barco que se había hundido, y escuchando su historia del tigre y el orangután y la zebra y la hiena, no le creyeron absolutamente nada. Los japoneses le pidieron que les contara otra vez la historia, pero sin inventos de animales. Pi les contó una historia, según él, "seca" y sin animales. Se hundió el barco. Su mamá sobrevivió. Un marinero chino se cortó la pierna y también se subió a la barca. Un cocinero francés también se subió a la barca. El cocinero francés resultó ser un psicópata que le cortó la pierna al chino para dizque carnada, y luego lo mató para comérselo. Luego, el marinero psicópata mató a la mamá de Pi. Finalmente, Pi mató al marinero que había matado y comido al marinero chino y a la Señora Pi.

Ahora, siendo yo tan ingenua como soy (o tal vez nadamas fue lentitud cerebral) no hice la relación que hizo uno de los japoneses que lo entrevistaban. La hiena de la historia era el francés psicópata, que había cortado la pata de la zebra, que en realidad era el marinero chino. Esta hiena luego había matado al orangutan, más bien la Sra. Pi. Finalmente, el tigre había matado a la hiena. Realmente, Pi había matado al francés psicópata.

O gran desilusión! La verdad me sentí robada del deseo de que alguien hubiera podido soportar la graveza de vivir 287 días con un tigre en una barca. ---Por supuesto que no menosprecio el hecho de que alguien tuviera que ver a un psicópata matar a su madre--- El saber que alguien hubiera podido soportar eso era como una especie de bandera que se levanta sobre la montaña y te dice "It can't be that hard. You can still make it.". El autor me robó de eso. Pero creo que yo fui de esas personas que dice "me robaron mi reloj" y en realidad estaba sentada en el D.F. con su rolex de oro y el brazo afuera en medio del periférico (en donde asumo que roban relojes. heh) Pero la realidad que me dejaron las "palabras" de Pi en el post anterior es la misma:

I will not die. So long as God is with me.

(ok. acabo de descubrir que en español zebra es cebra, pero me rehuso a cambiarlo!!)

2005-07-13T01:31:00.000-05:00

testing, uno dos tres, probando

Pi Patel --- from "Life of Pi"

2005-07-12T19:18:00.000-05:00

Se hundió el barco en el que se estaba transportando su familia, y algunos de los animales de su zoologico (con el adentro). Se queda en el barco salvavidas con un orangutan, una hiena y una zebra. Se esconde en una orilla del barco por dos días. Ve a la hiena matar a la zebra y al orangutan. Se da cuenta que también había un tigre en el barco. Sigue escondido otro día en la orilla del barco. Ve al tigre matar a la hiena. Está solo. Se siente desesperado. Cae la noche y se da cuenta que ha perdido todo lo que tiene. No vale la pena vivir. Como si lo fueran a rescatar en medio del oceano Pacífico. Pero entonces dice:

"I was giving up. I would have given up --if a voice hadn't made itself heard in my heart. The voice said, 'I will not die. I refuse it. I will make it through this nightmare. I will beat the odds, as great as they are. I have survived so far, miraculously. Now I will turn miracle into routine. The amazing will be seen every day. I will put in all the hard work necessary. Yes, so long as God is with me, I will not die. Amen'.
My face set to a grim and determined expression. I speak in all modesty as I say this, but I discovered at that moment that I have a fierce will to live. It's not something evident, in my experience. some of us give up on life without only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others --and I am one of those-- never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of succes. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constitutional, an inhability to let go. It may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity."

Ahora, traducir eso sería quitarle el sentido y la fuerza que lleva. Pero cuantas veces nosotros no sentimos que ya no vale la pena luchar por lo que creemos, o por lo que llevamos en el corazón. Cuantas veces no pensamos "no voy a poder". Y es cierto, lo más probable es que no vamos a poder. El chavo de esta anecdota tenía 16 años, y estuvo mas de 250 días en la barca, con el tigre. Pero a final de cuentas sobrevivió, y todo comenzó con una oración que decia "Mientras Dios esté conmigo, no voy a morir". Life can't be that hard. Even if we're so sure we've got it worst than anyone else. Look around. Tu decides si usar esa "estupida hambre de vivir" esa "inabilidad de soltar".

Heh, bueno, nadamas quería contarles lo interesante que está el libro que estoy leyendo.

Sabes que al tecnología te está alcanzando cuando...

2005-07-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Te piden tu celular para obtener pruebas de lo que pasó en el atentado de Londres

ugh.

2005-07-12T02:10:00.000-05:00

Heh. I'm such a nerd its retarded.

Bienvenidos! Welcome! Bienvenue! Willkommen! добро пожаловать! Benvenuto!

2005-07-12T02:00:00.000-05:00

Para empezar: Bienvenidos! Esta es mi página, en donde voy a estar intentando escribir con frecuencia, a manera de prácticar en mis habilidades de escritura. Se puede considerar como un e-mail para todo el que quiera leerlo. Para todos aquellos que tengan el sindrome de las mamás y crean que en el internet pueden robarte tu personalidad, si sus nombres son alguna vez mencionados, será a manera de primer nombre, o apodo personal y en caso de que tengas el mismo nombre que Oscar y Oscar, se marcará la diferencia con un G. o R. Ahora, si tienes el mismo *insertaletramayusculaquesimbolizatuapellidoaqui* se marcara la diferencia con... bueno, algo se me ocurrirá si eso pasa.

Ahora, si todavia sigues leyendo, singifica que: 1) Me quieres lo suficiente como para leer todo el post. 2) No tienes nada que hacer (que ha de ser lo más probable). De cualquier manera, date una vuelta por aqui de vez en cuando, a ver que cosa interesante me econtré por ahi sobre la cual escribir. Pero bueno, ya es suficientemente tarde como para que mi cuerpo empiece a sentir los rigores del sueño... Bye!

P.D. Si todavia te tomas la molestia de inscribirte para dejar tus comentarios de vez en cuando, eres mi heroe! (I got Dany to do it, so the sky's the limit!)

2P.D. Ya no te tienes que registrar para dejar tus comentarios, pero si dejas tus comentarios, pon algun nombre reconocible para cuando los lea.

lets see how this goes

2005-07-12T01:06:00.000-05:00

Late night. Not really sleepy. I blame it on the fact that summer usually means not sleeping before 1 a.m. So, basically, I'm just trying this out, see what I can make of it. Let this be a lame atempt to figure out how this works. Here goes.